It's so much more than blood...

It never ceases to amaze me how defensive some parents can be. I mean sure I'm defensive if you pick on my daughter, if you have nothing nice to say then dont say it at all..right? However I cant understand people who are defensive in someone loving their child to no end. At what point do you realize that it takes a town to raise a child, not just you. If you were lacking in your parenting...that is your fault. No one elses. If you and your husband/boyfriend split-he meets someone new who treats your child as their own, how is this a problem??? Would you rather they treat your child as an outcast??

You could've given birth, changed diapers, cleaned up puke, toys, etc. But the real question is...were you there when they needed you most. Maybe when they needed you physically, as newborn, toddler...etc. But what about emotionally? Because this is where parenting COUNTS!!! First heartbreak...what did YOU do??? My Parents earned every bit of the title "mother" and "father". When I needed them most, they never failed to be there....that is a true test of a mother or father. Not birth, not carrying them for 9mos. Get your facts straight. Does it matter that they are blood...not at all. That doesn't make a parent a parent and if you think otherwise, I would like you to stand outside a adoption agency and speak your mind. My husband is every bit of a father to my daughter than her own dad. Does this aggrivate Kaelin's blood father? No...why? Because he realizes that the more people who love her, mean the more people to care for her. Extra eyes and hands to raise her, extra kisses goodnight, and hugs in the morning. Added discipline when necessary and another shoulder to cry on when things do not work out in her favor. There is no room for jealousy in a marriage, so why should there be in parenting??

You hold a baby in your belly for 9mos, you donated a sperm or two to create offspring. How did you follow up that action??? Sure many of you reading this are close to my age, we're still raising toddlers, but I sincerely hope this makes you think! Going out drinking, going out partying and leaving your child with your parents, your girlfriend, your grandparents. What is that doing to them? Fine once in a great while-I wont lie some time away is nice...but I would choose that time differently-for instance one on one with my husband movie and dinner...not bar and dancing. I'm not against drinking at all...but I do think if you do this more than once a month your priorties are a little misplaced. Do you want your children to go out drinking and partying? You might say "yes" now, but i really truely hope that you think long and hard how you will react to that years down the road. I know I will be like my parents and not be able to sleep until I know my children are safe. Now think, what would you do if you caught your child doing drugs? What if you just suspected? Have you thought about your son or daughter having sex years from now, what about hitting puberty? How will YOU handle these things. Ignorance is bliss? Denial..."not my child". Bite it in the butt the minute you find out? How about being proactive? Will you talk to your child before all these things happen so they know what to expect. Talk to them so they know how important sex is, how important doing drugs isn't? We're all going to have battles, 90% of our kids are guarenteed to try drugs and have premarital sex (lets face it...we all did)...but how you handle that...THAT is being a "mother"...THAT is being a "father". Not your damn egg, not your damn sperm. YOUR character, YOUR choices will in the be the deciding factor. Where you were during the most important days will forever live in heart. Your parenting will be graded...not by me, not by peers, not by teachers, psychologists or doctors, but instead the most important person of all...your child. If my daughter chooses to call her fathers significant other "mom"...I wont go off the deep end, its a term of endearment, she would also be helping raise Kaelin, her hand is AS important as mine...I'd welcome the help...not shun it.

Life Lessons? or something more?

In less than a month I will be turning 25. To some of you this might not seem like a big deal, but to me it has certainly got me thinking. I'm very happy of where my life is now, but I can't help but notice some things that I thought would be there, that arent. One obvious in my grandfather, I guess no matter how many years it has been he is the first that brings tears to my eyes when I think about all that I wasn't able to share with him. Next would be my Uncle Tim, I am thankful that he was able to meet my children but still cannot understand why he was taken so early and so unexpectedly. Now those are givens. We all miss those who cannot be here anymore. But what about others? Friends that you thought nothing could ever come between you and them...just to find now that there is nothing at all in common, or maybe some more things that attributed to the fallout.

My family members and most people I went to school with can guess who I am talking about. Pretty much all through High School we were inseperable. Even when we went onto college with different majors we still stayed relatively close. We went out a lot together and most people probably could hear us coming from a mile away. She was the first to say to me "You're Pregnant" I laughed and told her she was soo wrong, 4 days later she was the first person I called when that + appeared. Her reaction? "it's okay, we'll get through this...this is a beautiful thing not sad" I'll never forget that conversation. She went to my first Ultrasound with me, this seemed to make our friendship stronger...or so I thought. Soon after I stopped hearing from her. She's met my daughter twice in the almost 4 years she's been here.

At first this whole thing really bothered me. I was hurt. Actually this was how a lot of my friendships went down after my blessing happened. I lost contact with most everyone. The only person I had left from my "previous" life was Laney...who to this day remains my truest and closest friend. However now looking back I find that many people that I once had a "connection" with, seem so obsolete in the whole picture. I always wanted children young, although I didnt make the choice as to what age (or if you want to get technical yes I was having sex so I should know its a probable outcome) However I am happy that parenthood chose me before I chose career. I know that this is a horrible thing to say but my feelings are just those. I will be able to enjoy my children so much more as adults than I would've if I waited another 10years to have them. However this does come at a cost. There are very few that are my age that carry the same weight of having a family on their shoulders. In fact many are just starting to get married, no pregnant with number 3...family almost finished. Thus having a common factor to talk about with old friends is few and far between. They prefer to talk about the wild time they had over the weekend, or the latest concert they attended. I on the other hand am talking about Potty training, constipation, hitting, biting, teething, preschool...the list goes on.

Then you have the other group, the people that are your age, that are in your same boat...but you HARDLY have time to discuss your daily lives with them because you have a toddler hanging on your leg and a infant screaming at the top of their lungs cuz they want SOMETHING and you have NO IDEA what that something is.

I'm sure you all are wondering what this has to do with life lessons. Have you ever sat and thought about it? Thought about your past into detail. What was the most important thing that you and a friend of the past had in common? Drinking? Smoking? Boys? Most likely you didn't share the same ideals about the future. She's a physical Therapist somewhere in Rochester, she was married not long after myself, but has no children. I ran into her while out to dinner and the sound of her voice made me cringe as she called my name. This is when I realized I'm glad she's not a "key" figure in my childrens upbringing. She made worse choices than I did in our High School Years. She has book smarts...but not street. She cares entirely too much about how she "appears" to the outer world and not so much about how her actions speak volumes to her credibility. I will not turn down explaining the story about what happened to our friendship if asked. Life lesson..absolutely, she was the first to teach me that the only people I can really depend on is my family. Something more- Ofcourse; because I can't help but think that this is the way god intended for it to be- a reminder of I may not have my career, but I have my family...I may not have many "close" friends, but that is because they also bear the names of "mother" "sister" and "husband" all of which are much more dear titles than Best Friend.

Thank you for not talking....

So recently I had read a friend was going through a rough time with their child not sleeping. She had said that he recently started crawling a couple days before. I probably read the info four or five times before I finally decided to give her "my experience". I tried my best to make it "my experience" and not "my advice" Why you ask. Because sometimes I HATE ADVICE!!!!

I know mean right? Okay lets clearify...Advice from your mother = wisdom (even though sometimes you might not want to admit it). Advice from your Mother-in-law = husband wisdom *sometimes this explains soo much about the man you married*. Grandmother Advice = 1. Old Wives Tales and things you probably shouldn't follow (ie: Whiskey on Gums) or 2. Complete nonsense.

Okay so WHO am I talking about. Lets start with your friends that don't have kids. HA...we all know these. Needless to say some can even say that it's also family members. These are the ones who know EXACTLY how to raise a child. "Absolutely MY child will never watch TV"..."You should be reading and pointing out the words so they will learn quicker" my FAVORITE..."why don't you put the diaper on closer and closer to the potty, ya know like they do in potty training dogs. She'll get it" REALLY...I would love to see YOU parent!! Or there are those people who already have kids who apparently think that you forgot how to handle kids. Or idk maybe forgot you have kids. These are often the people that I kind of dish it right back...I know you are saying "well look at your blog...arent you preaching to IDK yourself" here i will say no. This is because go back and read my disclaimer. These are opinions I am not telling you to read it, nor am I telling you to come to me for advice. If you use my ideas or agree..I'm am not responsible for your child in 20 years :o)!!!

Okay so now we know who I am talking about. Would you like to hear how we need to handle these people? Well why are you looking at me?? I wish I had the answer...some how some way. I am a nice person and I just smile and nod-but don't listen. But then there comes a day that you step too far. This is when I become rude. Usually that line is my daughter. For some reason when I became pregnant with my son...people forgot that I had been pregnant before. Why do I say this? Because I got "just wait til this happens" "you wont believe it when"..etc. SERIOUSLY Kaelin was two when I was pregnant with Gage. I'm pretty sure my parenting and pregnancy ideas are not only fresh but more experienced than you...considering you were pregnant for 9 mos and I was now going into my 12th month of experiencing pregnancy (9 mos Kaelin; 3mos Gage) I have you beat. My daughter is my line...and I might always be super protective of her because I never ever want her to feel like she doesn't count just because she wasn't hatched under a piece of paper. Now if I ask for your advice...have at it. Tell me I'm a horrible mom, tell me whatever you want-but since I asked for it-I deserved it. Does it mean I'll listen? Chances are 50/50...sorry being honest.

Now this pregnancy. It has just been over a year since I've had my son. All these people telling me things to get over being sick. Honestly-don't you think I've tried it. I was sick with both kids...this third one is a doozy. It's not like this was ANYTHING liek the two prior. I could handle that, throwing up twice three times a day. Not a problem. Puking at my most 12x's in one day, not even keeping water down. yeah. Complaining isn't my most favorite thing, but trust me when I say I could've curled into a corner and not come out for 6 weeks with as horrible as I felt. I cried atleast once a day. I'm so thankful that I'm feeling better!!!

If you ask advice I will give it, although you might now always like what i have to say. Dont complain to me about money and then ask for my advice. We're tight on money, but we're smart too. We don't "go out" we dont have "date night". The IMPORTANT things ALWAYS get paid ... these are Mortgage, car payment, car insurance, Medical bills and any credit cards (which there aren't many cuz I hate them). If we have left over money...great. If we don't- well we make due with what we have Do I feel like my kids are missing out. No, why? Because I am home with them, this is our sacrifice. Now if you chose to not pay your mortgage but go out drinking three times a month, out to eat every weekend and needlessly spend on things you don't NEED you just wanted. Well I have no pity for you and you deserve to be in foreclosure!! Obviously when you tell my husband and I that we need to get out more...we will laugh behind your back at your "advice".

Last but not least...marriage advice. This is almost as good as parenting advice. Really, you've been divorced once, twice, three times and you've swore men off and you're telling me I just need to learn that men aren't as great as they seem. FANTASTIC. Maybe if you weren't a bit psycho men wouldn't keep leaving you. All you do is bash your husband? Okay, I pick on my husband-he picks on me. We both laugh...you have nothing nice to say about each other-let alone to each other. But you want to give me an attitude when I am picking on my husband for being anal and tell me that I need to give him a break. This is coming from the person who also LOVES giving parenting advice but fails to notice how poorly she raised her own child. Next don't tell me I need a "girls only" night or my husband needs a "guys only" night. This is something we both agree on. We dont like going out without one another. All we do is miss each other and wish they could be there. We spend the whole night texting each other...and we're soo happy to be back together by the end of the night that it's just a reminder as to why we don't do it. We've been together 3 years and have gone out alone maybe 3 times if that. I enjoy every moment I spend with my husband-he might get on my nerves, I might get on his. We are never too good to appologize to one another, we will always say I love you before falling asleep. In the morning his kiss still wakes me up, at night I cant fall asleep without feeling his lips once again. His smile can still make me weak in the knees and his touch will make me melt. To watch him with our children shows me I've made the right choice, no matter how much he gets them riled up. I don't need your advice...I have parents who have been married close to 30years...they are my inspiration. They have been married close to 30 years and are still happy, they dont use names when they fight, they agreed on our upbringing. They did marriage right...you hardly talk to your husband, your child has more control over you than the government. YOU i will NEVER ask advice from, so please don't feel the need to offer it for free

Our job

As mothers our jobs typically go unnoticed and unappreciated. For the time we put forth to raise our children-our downfalls are noticed before our accomplishments. If you have not realized this I will bring you into the light.

Go through your pictures, all your pictures of your kids. How many are you included in? Out of the ones that you are in, how many of those did you take yourself or pay someone else to take? I can pretty much guarentee you that the pictures you are now holding in your hand wont even fill one of the "walmart" flip books. It sucks, for all the work that we have done, including making them look cute for pictures, we're somehow forgotten in the picture taking process-either because we're behind the camera or we're busy trying to get other stuff done. It seems like every birthday for my children this comes into play. Although I'm right there helping open presents, washing the kids up, trying to get around talking to everyone...somehow I'm always cut out of the pictures. For my daughters 3rd bday there was two pictures of me. For my sons first I only have pictures with the cake cuz I made sure to. Some of this is my fault as my camera was full, and instead of taking pictures my sister was having to erase. Unfortunately it was also my fathers bday party and do you think we got one picture of the two of them? Or Even my mother. This is just another reason why mothers should have four sets of hands.

Next who does the potty training? I mean yes fathers are important, and my husband is working two jobs to try and get things paid off quicker. He's an amazing father and an amazing husband, but it will never cross his mind to take a picture of the kids and I sleeping because it is so cute. Over halloween I asked him to take a picture of us carving...he did...but cut me out.

As mothers we get the brunt of the attitudes, the brunt of the meltdowns. As fathers they think it is hilarious to pick on the kids and then wonder why the kids are mad. This is a trait universal with men. The minute they walk in the door it's like a switch is turned on, they decide to tickle them til they scream, or take their food out of their hands and threaten to eat it, or pin them on the floor. All of which end in one thing...the kids screaming or throwing a fit. Then our men wonder why we get mad, cuz it isn't like we havent heard enough screaming or tantrums that day. Even better when the table is turned and out of no where your children hit them, or take their food, they then want to yell at them. I DONT THINK SO. You taught that behavior!! ugh...men-they will never understand this! I promise this is universal bc after talking to many other woman--my mother included--every father does this!

Finally we kiss the boo boo's, we dry the tears, we wipe the butts, we clip the fingernails, we clip the toenails and we give the baths the majority of the time. But if your children had the chance to choose between you and daddy-they seem to always choose daddy. Unfortunately as much as you try to tell yourself that it's natural-it still hurts. But the one thing I do have to say is this. Someday they will appreciate all of this. Allbeit it probably wont be until they have kids...but someday they will. When they are grown you will know you did your job right. Sure all of this right now is a labor of love, all of this right now can wear on your last nerve. But even though they can't say thank you for all the work you do, sweet kisses, and tight hugs sometimes is the only reward we need. Your little girl will turn into your best friend and your little boy will be your biggest fan. I guess this is what we need to remember as your going through pictures, as you are dealing iwth a screaming baby, while your toddler melts down in the middle of the supermarket!!

Lets talk weight...and laziness

So as most everyone knows my daughter started soccer. She HATES it...although her father is in denial and refuses to think his daughter could possibly not like his favorite sport. I fight with her every Tues and Thurs for her to go, while there she plays 10min and then wants NOTHING to do with it. Now I'm all for getting your kids in sports and giving them a way to get out some energy-but at what point do you decide it's not working out and pull them out. I think when the coach is saying "you'd rather just sit on the sidelines" to your daughter, it's time to make a decision. She didn't want in it, she was just signed up into it, so I dont feel like we're teaching her to not finish what she started when she really has no clue as to what she was getting into. Daddy just took her. Now what does this have to do with weight?? Well let me explain. To get her to "play" her father tells her they will get ice cream after. I'm dead against this. One thing that a lot of psychologists say to avoid is rewarding children with food. Why?? It makes complete sense. How many of us have overweight family??? How many of us have watched our family members stuff themselves FULL during holidays or out of sadness. I can promise all of us. This is because they have all learned to lean on food as a "side" if you will to their emotions. Thus making this huge circle with food as the constant. If you give your child "food" as a "good job" or "it's okay" they will associate food with those feelings. NOT GOOD. As someone who HAS struggled with my weight in the past, I can promise you that you never want your child to look in the mirror and no matter how skinny they are, they always will feel fat bc they have gotten so self concious. On the other side, you dont want your child to look in the mirror and see boobs...at 9.

So where did I get so disgusted that I felt the need to post? At soccer on Tues the kids played the "blue" team. on the blue team was a little boy (they are 3 and 4 yr olds) His thighs would rub together and he'd just sit after a couple mins. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. The whole family was large, but this poor little boy was on the road to gross obesiety. They had a cooler sitting next to them and instead of giving their son water to quench his thirst during soccer they gave him Mt. Dew. Disgusting-this is another reason I think parents should be screened. Don't get me wrong my daughter drinks pop, juice boxes etc. But serioulsy playing outdoors in scortching heat, heck when it's just hot out our family more than triples our water intake. If the kid doesn't like water, try flavoring it with lemon or something, or BUY the flavored water. Dont keep it in the "water bottle" buy them a cool drink bottle they would like to drink out of. Anything to try and talk them into drinking more water. Also Tues was Gage's 1st bday which also coincided with Kaelin's Soccer so after we went for ice cream. For the hour that we were there I promise you probably 40-50ppl were in and out. Out of all those people that came and went probably 10 were not overweight, and that included us!!!!! I'm sorry I know that weight is a struggle...but the last thing some of these people need is ICE CREAM!! One girl in particular stood out. She was probably 8 or 9 and was in a size Woman's 12. She had "fat" boobs, not boobs from maturity but boobs from being overweight. She could barely sit without rolling over. Unfortunately this is NOT the little girls fault. I know some people just run big but this family wasn't one of them. Imagine being 8yrs old and not even being able to walk down the stairs without running out of breath. SERIOUSLY AND AS PARENTS YOU THINK THIS IS NORMAL??? I'm sorry but if I saw that happening to my child grilled chicken and veggies it is for dinner.

I'm sorry I may be ANAL about my weight. You may think that I care too much what I look like. But let me explain something. One of my mothers friends was married, she went in for a check up with her doctor a year later. The dr came in a yelled at her cuz she had gained 5lbs. She said to him "what's the big deal...it's only 5lbs"..in turn do you know what he told her "5lbs a year for 20 years is 100lbs"...low an behold 20yrs later she is 100lbs heavier and is kicking herself in the butt for not taking care of it when it would'be been easier. It's easier to lose 5lbs than to lose 100. Think about it.

So many parents think TV is a good alternative for kids. TV and video games..they don't put a limit to them becuase they are "educational" Hell I'm guilty of depending on the tv a little too much since the beginning of this pregnancy..but soon we'll get back to our more challenging outdoor activities and actually have some really cool things planned!! Even schools are getting into the act and not teaching children cursive and half the time don't even make them handwrite anything because of computers. I am a calculator dependent math wiz. Why?? Becuase instead of making us use our brains they handed us calculators in 4th grade. Now kids aren't going to know how to spell because they are introduced to "spell check" in third grade!!! L.A.Z.Y. Teachers don't want to spend the extra effort to "read" the kids handwritting. Instead they can make them type making their jobs easier...for themselves. In turn teaching the kids the easy way is the best!! Part of me would love to home school my children because the ideals just aren't their anymore!!! So why would kids think that going outside to run around an play would be a good idea when it's easier to just sit inside?? I do not understand the mentality of some parents now a days!! TV is not the answer to everything. I'm sorry I would prefer my children to master their english before they learn spanish. I would like to know why all these people are blaming fast food joints and large preportions for the obesiety. We all know what is healthy and what is not...but it's up to us to live by it. We all know that walking is better than sitting, running is better than walking. They're obese...not dumb. A lot of these adults who are obese grew up with "eat everything on you're plate, they're are ppl starving in indonesia" Not allowing them to know their body and know when they are full...instead making them stuff themselves stretching their stomach causing a vicious cycle. As parents it is up to us to monitor what our children eat, do and say. Yes that is a lot on our plates, after all we are raising the future.