Not Fair Funk

Unfortunately I have not used this page in a long time, though currently I am finding myself drawn here. I need an escape, a way to get words out without having to speak them. Frankly even typing tears have started falling. I come from a family where unfortunately depression rears it ugly head on far too many of them. I have been pretry lucky to only experience postpartum, and be able to quickly pull myself feom its grip. I'm a happy person, I look for the best in every situation, and when things aren't going my way,in frI can generally find the perks in even the worst times. Currently, I'm in a funk. I'm in a bad funk. A funk that the only way you fall asleep is crying myself there. Why am I here? I have guesses those being too much stress, too much on my plate, unrealistic fears, then not being able to control the one thing I usually have full grasp on...my weight. Now lets be honest, all of us have these things almost every day. Generally we can juggle these fantastically, especially women. However I can tell I'm in a bad place and I'm trying everything to pull myself from it. So here goes word vomit, every little thing that has crossed my mind in the past month. Every tear that has fells held a word, a word of my worries but it hasn't been enough. Will we be able to handle two houses: we are a one income household. Even though our plan sounds great and looks great on paper...what happens if it's not. I'm worthless I don't work, and the thought of leaving my children to work ia enough to promise a perscription of lexapro right away. What if it does work? What if it's perfect? The thought of moving into a house I'm not familiar with when my husband sometimes works overnight...terrifies me. Yes it is our dream house, everything we have EVER wanted and it is here in front of us. Probably the only shot we'd get at our dream...but I'm terrified to start over. To add to that we have played the waiting game for a month and half,and we still have to wait...and I don't think they will accept the offer. We HAVE to try though, or we will never forgive ourselves. The waiting is killing me, as much as I try to keep my mind off of it, it is just sitting there like the scab you are doing everything in your power not to pick. You still do it. My children are suffering...my god. My patience is thin, my ability to know what they need at every moment is questioning itself. My husbanda current hours are so opposite than what they have been for two years that I get lost in my head after they go to bed. All the things I shouldve done different, all the stuff that shouldve been done today that didn't, so pissed at myself for eating that extra bite at dinner that I feel things that I've worked SO hard to get past. My husband. I am the luckiest girls in the world...I KNOW this! He does the floors, the dishes, the laundry, the bed...I don't have to ask...he just does. If I didnt get to something, he just does. He works so hard for us and hasachieved ao much for us that honestly I fall short of everything he does. I don't deserve him, yet he fell in love with me against all odds and for that I am forever in debt. Now we are on our seventh year together, and we have watched people fall apart at this stage, we have found people lose each other forever, and others just for a while. Let me be clear that I have dreaded the 7 year itch since I was in high school and first read about it. 70% of couples go through it and half don't make it through. Obviously my husband is perfect he would never be the cause of this between us...but am I? I'm a person who has always had to be shown how much someone loves me. I don't feel like I deserve it so I question it. Todd in all the great things about him, lacks even a sliver of romantisim. I'm very much a romantic. I deal with this tid bit by forcing us to go out, and get away...but each time we have done that lately...we have been on a mission of getting and doing all of these things. I miss just enjoying eavh others company, I miss having crazy passionate sex in the middle of the day no care in the world. Now when that opportunity arises all I can think about is how fat I am and that he deserves so much more than me. I am causing the 7uear itch! Not because there is an itch to leave but rather because I'm so busy hating myself I am not being the person he is supposed to be with. The carefree silly woman he fell in love with. The worst part is I don't know how to fix it. My weight. I've always controlled this when everything spins. This time however I'm up 5lbs...I feel it, I'm disgusted with myself. My short haircut makes me feel uglier and the plain jane hair color leaves nothing be happy with. I have not taken the time to do my make up anymore because it seems so pointless. Like I said in a funk. A pathetic stupid funk that just make me despise myself more. I'm better than this, why am Istuck here? Unfortunately my husband witnessed me at close to my worst today, so the cat is out of the bag and I need to pick up the pieces. I just have to find out how. How to overcome this.