Not Fair Funk

Unfortunately I have not used this page in a long time, though currently I am finding myself drawn here. I need an escape, a way to get words out without having to speak them. Frankly even typing tears have started falling. I come from a family where unfortunately depression rears it ugly head on far too many of them. I have been pretry lucky to only experience postpartum, and be able to quickly pull myself feom its grip. I'm a happy person, I look for the best in every situation, and when things aren't going my way,in frI can generally find the perks in even the worst times. Currently, I'm in a funk. I'm in a bad funk. A funk that the only way you fall asleep is crying myself there. Why am I here? I have guesses those being too much stress, too much on my plate, unrealistic fears, then not being able to control the one thing I usually have full grasp on...my weight. Now lets be honest, all of us have these things almost every day. Generally we can juggle these fantastically, especially women. However I can tell I'm in a bad place and I'm trying everything to pull myself from it. So here goes word vomit, every little thing that has crossed my mind in the past month. Every tear that has fells held a word, a word of my worries but it hasn't been enough. Will we be able to handle two houses: we are a one income household. Even though our plan sounds great and looks great on paper...what happens if it's not. I'm worthless I don't work, and the thought of leaving my children to work ia enough to promise a perscription of lexapro right away. What if it does work? What if it's perfect? The thought of moving into a house I'm not familiar with when my husband sometimes works overnight...terrifies me. Yes it is our dream house, everything we have EVER wanted and it is here in front of us. Probably the only shot we'd get at our dream...but I'm terrified to start over. To add to that we have played the waiting game for a month and half,and we still have to wait...and I don't think they will accept the offer. We HAVE to try though, or we will never forgive ourselves. The waiting is killing me, as much as I try to keep my mind off of it, it is just sitting there like the scab you are doing everything in your power not to pick. You still do it. My children are suffering...my god. My patience is thin, my ability to know what they need at every moment is questioning itself. My husbanda current hours are so opposite than what they have been for two years that I get lost in my head after they go to bed. All the things I shouldve done different, all the stuff that shouldve been done today that didn't, so pissed at myself for eating that extra bite at dinner that I feel things that I've worked SO hard to get past. My husband. I am the luckiest girls in the world...I KNOW this! He does the floors, the dishes, the laundry, the bed...I don't have to ask...he just does. If I didnt get to something, he just does. He works so hard for us and hasachieved ao much for us that honestly I fall short of everything he does. I don't deserve him, yet he fell in love with me against all odds and for that I am forever in debt. Now we are on our seventh year together, and we have watched people fall apart at this stage, we have found people lose each other forever, and others just for a while. Let me be clear that I have dreaded the 7 year itch since I was in high school and first read about it. 70% of couples go through it and half don't make it through. Obviously my husband is perfect he would never be the cause of this between us...but am I? I'm a person who has always had to be shown how much someone loves me. I don't feel like I deserve it so I question it. Todd in all the great things about him, lacks even a sliver of romantisim. I'm very much a romantic. I deal with this tid bit by forcing us to go out, and get away...but each time we have done that lately...we have been on a mission of getting and doing all of these things. I miss just enjoying eavh others company, I miss having crazy passionate sex in the middle of the day no care in the world. Now when that opportunity arises all I can think about is how fat I am and that he deserves so much more than me. I am causing the 7uear itch! Not because there is an itch to leave but rather because I'm so busy hating myself I am not being the person he is supposed to be with. The carefree silly woman he fell in love with. The worst part is I don't know how to fix it. My weight. I've always controlled this when everything spins. This time however I'm up 5lbs...I feel it, I'm disgusted with myself. My short haircut makes me feel uglier and the plain jane hair color leaves nothing be happy with. I have not taken the time to do my make up anymore because it seems so pointless. Like I said in a funk. A pathetic stupid funk that just make me despise myself more. I'm better than this, why am Istuck here? Unfortunately my husband witnessed me at close to my worst today, so the cat is out of the bag and I need to pick up the pieces. I just have to find out how. How to overcome this.

Marriage

So I was recently told by 2 (count it t.w.o.) people that my husband and I have a fairy tale marriage, marriages like ours dont really exist. Flattered as I was, often times I feel as though I am living a fairy tale, I was also disappointed that people think that it's something that just happens. Don't get me wrong, in a way it does. I didn't just marry any asshole, I waited for my knight in shining armor, or better yet, my southern gentleman to come sweep me off my feet. Boy did he ever, right onto my back (BAH---you really didn't expect me to not say that did you?? Okay well if you did I'm sorry, you just do not know me that well!!) ANYWAY--fifty shades aside...for now. Our marriage is the most important thing in our life (GASP--i know I've said it before, or at least I think I did...yes more important than our children) <<---holy shit...she really just said that!!! Why would she say such a thing?? BECAUSE..it is key to sucess. When we dont agree with how the child is being disciplined, I try very hard not to call him out on the spot 1. He is the disciplinarian, and 2. it is important for your children to see you stand as a united front. Before I go any farther....MUCH of this I learned from my parents and they are still going strong at idk some 30 plus years (31 really). If you show your kids that you do not stand united, they will weasle their little way in and work you up and down. Trust me you may think at the age of two they dont understand that, but they really do, maybe not in the sense of what they are doing is wrong...but if mommy says no...daddy can still say yes. One of the most annoying things I heard as a child when asking for somehting was "Well what did your mother/father say" I knew the chances were grim. One of my most favorite sayings "what did your father say" It's so funny how becoming an adult renders your speech of your mothers tongue. How is that not a language in its own yet??? Jump back on task. I guess to better put this I should write a list, I can add to it as I go, but otherwise I will sound like a rambling mess like above..what can I say love makes me cr@zy!!! Okay so 1. Your marriage is first, above your children. together you make your children top priority (explaination above, 2-?? will be below, if you get stuck come back to number one. Here you will find all the answers.)

2. Sex (not fifty shades sex...just sex...although fifty shades will bring you out of a rut I promise--speaking of which I'll be right back) KIDDING

3. Talk about anything, about everything, just talk.

4. Wrestle

5. Pick on each other

6. Sex

7. Share the load (ha...housework...although...nevermind)

8. Give them time to be them

9. Give their self esteem a random boost

10. Don't take sides

11. (personal to me...but someone out there might have it to) Do NOT distiguish Step parent from real parent..we're all parents here, if you cant show...oh wait not til the bottom right! umm I guess I need to go back and look at one...til later

12. ALWAYS say I'm sorry

13. Sex

14. ALWAYS say I'm sorry

15. Know that it will not matter tomorrow, or next week or five years from now

16. I despise the rule "never go to bed mad" well we've gone to bed mad plenty of time, we just....again number 1

17. INITIATE sex

18. Remember to schedule time for just you two

19. Remember to schedule time for just you

20. Find things you enjoy doing together and you SUCCEED at doing together.

21. Know that when money gets tight, it's a time for you to grow as a couple, not fall apart.

22. Dont ever let your marriage become work.

23. Divorce is never an option (except obvious cases which I will outline again look at one, you'll find where)

24. Always remember why you fell in love

25. MAKE time to find similar interests


Okay so that is enough for now, if (or when) I think of more I will add later. Now let me explain--at least how I interpretted them from my parents, and the ones I've come to learn in our four short years of marriage. Yes I totally get we've only been together 5 years we're still newbies, it will all change, blah blah blah. My parents heard that for years, and to these neigh sayers I will just say "We live to prove you wrong"

Alright 2: Sex. As you know I have repeated this many times in here. Sex is important, the less you have it the less you want it. The more you have it the more you want. I for one feel sexier after sex and I'm sure it boosts my mans ego also. Not to mention I can tell from his attitude when he needs it! 3: Talk about anything, everything..just talk. We've all been in the relationships where you finally get alone time only to discover you have nothing to talk about. Or the TV is on, so there is no conversation. Make time for conversations, shut off the TV, go out to dinner. Be interested in what they are saying even if it really doesn't matter to you, the simple fact that you care enough to listen will mean the world 4: Wrestle. I'm not saying in terms of under the sheets, though that is fitting to, I am saying in general..horse around, "beat" each other up, not to actually be hurt but to just have fun. Those 3mins of carefree childish behavior can jumpstart a bad day, or refresh you to start doing something else, or lead you to actually having real conversations--they are all relative! 5: Pick on Each other. I'm fairly certain there are a few people out there that DESPISE that I laugh at my husband when he gets hurt. I'm not saying bleeding out hurt, but tried pulling a move to beat me to the door, slips on something, gashes his hand open catching himself. To me that's funny...not that he is in pain but for the mere aspect that he was trying to beat me and fell flat on his face, that combined with watching it all happening and the slow motion playing over and over in my head is hilarious. He stubs his toe...it's funny. Gives himself a black eye...hilarious! It is how we work, he laughs at me too, he has laughed at watching me in pain during labor....not during, but after. One of our favorite things to do is to scare each other, though I admit he is much better at it than I am! 6: Sex...see #2 this time switch it up, lets not do missionary how about trying woman on top 7: Share the load, try getting your head out of the gutter from the last post. Todd does most of our laundry. For me it's not top priority considering half the time I will be lucky to shower every other day! I do most of the housework. However if I'm not feeling well or had a particularly bad night with the kids he takes over. If i have a super busy week, I come home to find the house picked up. He doesn't EXPECT me to do everything, nor do I expect him to do anything, we just do, and it works well. 8: Give them time to be them. How to explain this one. Todd has ways of doing things, they drive me nuts but it is nothing worth the fight. I am fully aware that when I organize something one way...he will end up changing it. The cupboards prime example, i like same soups in a row...he likes them stacked. I now stack them bc I know he will just change it if I dont the minute he looks in the cupboard. I'm creative, I like to think up new ideas, I like to draw, cook, write whatever it is. I enjoy it, I may not finish it but that doesn't stop him from encouraging me when so many others just want to rip me down. 9: Give them random self esteem boosters: Okay my husband sucks at this, but I knew that coming into the marriage. However it is just as important to men, sometimes more so, to get their egos stroked every once in awhile. Remind them how important they are to you and how much you need them, and how sexy they are to you. it could be in the form of a quick text, a little note, a card, a simple phrase. I usually say what just comes to mind. If I look at him and it pops into my head "God I have a sexy husband" I dont keep it to myself, I say it outloud. If I'm cleaning and getting things ready and I think of how much he does for us, I will send him a quick message telling him I couldn't live wihtout him and he makes me so happy. When he's working his crazy hours where I wont really see him for days I hide a note in his bag, usually a sexy one so he thinks of me while he is gone. I went on a vacation to FL for 11days with the kids and he had to stay home and work....longest 11 days of my life. I planned meticulously for everyday I was gone a local flowershop dropped off a note and a single daisy in our wedding colors to him at work. In that moment he thought of me and not just missing me thought of me, and in those moments he knew how much he meant to me with all of the careful planning I did! 10: Dont take sides. This is really hard, you might not agree to how your signifacant other is handling something with your children or with a friend, but do not speak up in front of everyone. Wait for behind closed doors to discuss it. You will save a fight later and you will better understand why they chose to handle it the way they did, you might not have seen the whole picture. Okay that is it for now, I will finish the others at a later date in another post...but for now Naptime is over! Keep it real!

School Time Again

It is that time of year again where we are all about to send our children back to school. A much needed break from the chaos of summer, but you cant help but feel the tug on the heart strings as you are preparing.

I recently read a post of a friend who because of her husbands career, moved out of state with Teenage children. Just today they started school and she watched them get on the bus and has been nothing but tears knowing they have to endure a new school, a new atmosphere, and no friends right there to help them through it. I cried reading the post. This is very similar to feelings of sending your children to Pre-K, Kindergarten...even first grade.

I have found myself in tears many times this past week sending our oldest back to school. At this age they do not really have everyday friends. Not to mention every other week she is with her father...out of town. It never fails friends want her to come over on those weekends. Then you make plans to attend a birthday party, then family memebers come to visit and you completely forget that she had a birthday party (totally guilty and feeling horrible that she missed it because she adores this little girl) Or parents send invites home via school...and they never make it home, or you find them in their bedroom weeks later!

wehre am I going with this? Well to be honest, I'm nto quite sure. I just know in the pit of my stomach I worry my sweet little girl will be friendless...because of me forgetting, because she really doesnt get the chance to go places, because we are so busy in our own lives inviting friends over really doesn't happen. She is outgoing, and sometimes too loud, she likes to talk and she tends to butt into conversations. Though we try to teach her the polite ways of handling things, I'm not sure how much actually works. You want soo much to protect them from the mean kids, and push them toward the good ones, but it's not up to us. You dont want them to feel left out, or be picked on...but how do you stop it if it happens? She is also the youngest in our clogging group as much as I hope she makes friends there I worry that thye will end up looking at her as the annoying little one. I don't know my reasons for worrying, maybe it is my own insecurities following me. I can control my feelings, I cant control hers and I dread the day she comes home crying because so and so was mean to her.

Not an all out blog today I know, and I have been severely slacking. This is becoming my outlet. I could post about the magical vaginas we all have...but I'm quite sure that topic has been "legitamately" over done. I dont know about all of you but if my vagina was equipt with an anti rape super power it would sure beat the hell out of killing the sperm...i rather prefer my loins would light his on fire ;o)

A whole bunch of Parenting issues

Alright so in the past couple weeks I have read two very disturbing articles. One was about a 6yr old child being arrested for kicking his principle, and a second was about extended Breast Feeding. Both of these really annoyed me to the core.

First...how the HELL do you expect teachers to discipline when they're literally not allowed to put a hand on your kid. By all means I dont think they should hit, beat, drag etc our children, but really they should at least have the power to restrain them. All these parents fighting to make sure that these teachers cant do this are giving these kids run of the mill in schools. To add to it, it seems as if respect has gone out the window. I dont care if I am 20yrs older than you or 20yrs younger..RESPECT me. I respect you, whether it be your religion your parents stratigies, your job, your lack there of, your marriage...or lack there of. No one is perfect and I might not agree with your choices but I wont tell you that you are wrong because I RESPECT YOU!!! My husbands aunt gave me a compliment around easter that I let my children learn for themselves and in her words "you can tell your children the fire is hot...but they wont learn until they get burned". FANTASTIC!!! I love love love that saying. why? because I believe people have done nothing but baby their children for the past decade. Dont let them do this, dont let them do that, dont use the word "no" instead redirect them. REALLY????? Are you f*in kidding me? My children climb, not because I dont worry that they will fall, because I know eventually they will...but because they learn to be independent and take chances. You cant go through life thinking that actions do not have consequences, good or bad. But when you dont let your children explore than they're nto learning that on their own, instead they just hear it from you. The best lesson is experience. Now onto this child that got arrested...what were they supposed to do?? They cant touch him, who really cares if they get thrown in detention or have out of school suspension..really that is a break. No instead they call the cops the kid gets arrested, allbeit six years old. But ya know what??? I promise you that child will never try doing that again!!! I'd be okay if that was one of my children..why?? Because it taught them a valualbe lesson. Instead I'm sure these parents are going to sue? Because one we're a sue happy country and two because they dont discipline their child, as i'm sure these actions happen at home also. If my child ever raised a hand at me (or foot) I can promise you it would be the LAST time. I'm nto saying I'd beat them but I certianly would find their weakness. Like waht?? Idk take away their bed make them sleep on the barefloor, take away tv, feed them pb sandwhiches for a week straight. I dont really care what it takes I will do it to teach them a lesson. My daughter had a little boy in her class that kicked punched pulled her hair....even after talking to the parents they did NOTHING. So what did i do? I made sure that child was not going to be in her kindergarden class and I will continue to make sure until 4th grade and she will learn to fight back. If she gets in trouble for fighting back I dont care, she is a woman and she will learn to stick up for herself just like that boys will. My children are learning respect, I dont care how shy you're pretending to be, you will look them in the eye when they say hi to you. You will order your own dinner at restaurants, you will use your manners. When you are asked to do something you are expected to do it, or there will be consequences. There are two choices...you choose to do as you are asked, or your choose to be punished. Dont get me wrong there are somethigns and soem times I just dont want to fight, dont want to deal with the attitudes and I will just do it. Then I regret it!!

Onto extended booby time. So many of these articles compare us to cows or dolphins or idk any other animal with a boob that feeds its young. You are told that it's wrong for it to be socially unacceptable to bf your 3-7yr old. Seriously????? you want them to nurse HOW LONG?? Okay as a person fully supporting of the boob, I can honestly say it gets gross when you're child is lifing your shirt in the middle of a conversation with someone else...I dont mean 6-7 mos old, I'm perfectly fine if you wish to nurse your child til two. Just not in front of me. I get grossed out at about ummm...1 1.5yrs to seeing it. But not just that, they want them to self wean like nature does it. SERIOUSLY, a cow stops nursing a calf about 6-9mos in...how?? by a swift kick from its mother!!! So you want us to drop kick our kids NICE!!! Dolphins naturally wean somewhere between 8mos and two years, but their mother rarely leaves their side. Monkeys nurse until 1-1.5yrs. I mean honestly in all of these there are the few exceptions. But in reality, do you really think your children will be more socially accepted because he nursed so long? I'm sure it would be a secret he will take to his grave when he finds out that you nursed him until he was 5. It's not that I dont believe in the power of our milk, I totally do...but seriously you want to keep your kid on your boob is selfish and not wanting to give it up, it's not because they need it! I'm sure if you ask most Yale graduates or Harvard graduates, they didn't succeed because of their mommys milk, I am rather sure that they weren't working on homework and take a break for a suckle on moms nipple...ENERGY BOOST. ew the thought is disturbing.

Nicole

I hate that growing up means losing friends. Especially when that friendship was once so dear to you. Many of you know I have been struggling with this for awhile. Not because I have no friends-I have many-tried and true and I love dearly. I finally came to the realization that I cant just forget about this, about her. So what did I do? I wrote her a letter, and pray that I have the right address!!

No I'm not talking about email address, I'm talking handwritten, two page letter. I once read that if you read a letter or a note from someone that is typed, you read it with your voice in your head...as if you read someones actual handwriting you are reading it with their voice. It's more personal. So where am I going with this? What do I hold so dear that I just cant seem to let it all go? Part of it is exactly that--letters. Letters back and forth, her terrible handwriting and how she never failed to spell Really Right. With all this technology these wonderful things are now gone. Kids, and even our age, text one another. You cant judge a person on their brains when everything is auto correct. You dont know wether to take someone serious or happy or angry if they use ALL CAPS. I am really starting to hate all of this. How are my children going to grow up with any means at all when everything is just handed to them on a silver platter? OH you dont know how to spell, that's okay see the little ABC with the check-that will correct it all-you dont need to KNOW how to spell it...just get it 'close enough'. These kids aren't going to have the awesome 'note'books that we all shared...yes a whole notebook for just writing notes! WHY?? Because it's easy to hand a notebook back in the middle of class without suspicion. <<---I am so not using spell check on that to prove a point that yes indeed I am not sure if that is right or not and I'm not gonna lie and make you think I know how to spell everything!

Nicole was my best friend, through thick and thin. We wouldn't talk for weeks and then be best friends again. We did a lot of dumb stuff...A LOT. Where we are now-you would never have known it. It kills me that we are no longer friends but you cant force anyone to want to be your friend, and I have to realize it was probably nothing that I ever did that made it that way. We grew apart. I guess I see so many of my fb friends that still hold a close relationship with their friends from hs. Kaelin's father--he is still super close to his group from high school. The sisterhood--anyone that went to our school knows who they are--still close to this day. My high school best friend I haven't really talked to since my baby shower with Kaelin, and even then we didn't say much. She met Kaelin for the first time when she was 6mos, and hasn't seen her since-except a quick run in at Silver Lake that I was regrettably <--again with spelling) rude but still was holding an unneccessary grudge. Life isn't fair. I have my husband who is now my best friend, I have my sister who undoubtedly is always there. I have Lindsay and Shannon who have come to be Rocks in my life. Friends that come and go that I only see once in awhile but we never miss a beat...but there will always be Nicole..nobody compares, we probably have nothing in common anymore-but none the less a memory of my past, and a friendship that I will always hold close, we tested boundaries, we did stupid things...but our lives turned out to be pretty okay even wiht the dumb mistakes!

Being a mom

By far my best accomplishment is to hold the title of "mother". Even after I get a degree, that will ALWAYS come first. So to this I say those who are not parents like to throw stones at every time we take a moment to think about ourselves.

Point being, the earlier post of our bodies. Self pity is NECESSARY. Every once in awhile its nice to get words out onto paper that otherwise get pushed aside. All I have to feel pity on myself is my weight. Why? Because I fiercly believe everything else I have giong on in my life is essentially perfect. Is there room for improvement, yes...there always will be. However would I be content to live within this current situation the rest of my life, yes I would. I would rather have self pity on the way that I look, than to be content with being overweight.

You might not want to have kids someday, I respect that. Do I think your crazy-of course I do. When all else fails, kids can lift you up. When a loss of a family memeber brings you to unconsolable crying, a child coming to sit on your lap and hug you immediately puts things into perspective. At that do I feel the need to tell you all of this when you are faced with a issues. No. Simply because I know in places that I am insecure, you are not. I chose to be a young mother, at the same time it also chose me. I was fortunate enough to find the man I could accomplish this with. My husband does nto see what I see when I look into the mirror. My husband tells me I am beautiful every single day. I want to be perfect, I want to look like a model, but if I had the choice to workout 4hrs a day to accomplish that or to spend that 4 hours with my family. I will chose my family. When I have the choice to spend $ on workout equiptment or for something special for my family..I WILL choose my family. You dont have those options.

Next in line are those that when I say "We just dont have time to go out" and their response is "well that's the life of a mother". I am NOT saying I want to go out drinking til all hours of the night. I am NOT saying I want to party myself into stupidity. I am merely stating the fact that my most important thing is my marriage and we dont have the time to commit to "us" as we would like. Date nights are necessary and I believe that to be true. However I am just getting to the point of being okay leaving my children with someone else for hours. I hate not being the one to put them to bed. I miss our "us" time, but it is essential. They need to learn as much as I need to that we are not the only ones they can depend on. When I see people post that they want to get out of the house, I can sympathize. I get it, I totally do. If you took the time to get to know them you would understand too. We dont want to work out of the house right now, we like that our children aren't being raised elsewhere, by someone else. We like that we have control over what they are doing and who they are doing it with, before we know it those will be out of our control. Lets not be nieve. When you were a teen did your parents know exactly what you were doing at every minute of every day? GOD NO! So do you think you'll really have much control when your kids reach that age? Be realistic.

Finally, to those who dont control their kids now at this young age. Seriously?? what did you smoke to lose the brain cells for common parenting? We went to lunch with our friends the other day and it was fantastic! All FIVE kids were well behaved, listened and patient while they waited for their food. I've been in resturants that kids are running around mindlessly. Screaming at the top of their lungs, turned around bugging the person in the booth behind them and the parents do NOTHING. My Father in law was faced with a little girl with a mental condition who had come up to him hugging and kissing him on the lips. Obviously uncomfortable as he did not know this girl, he was trying to be nice but also trying to get her off of him. The mother just stood there!!! I get that mental handicapps bring on a whole other point of parenting, but this is too far. You are putting someone who would generally not be uncomfortable around that person, in a very uncomfortable situation. Or parents where there kids can do no wrong. Another child takes a toy out of your childs hands, you yell at the child, but when your child does it, you look the other way. I'm sorry but yet again, I am not the perfect parent...however I will make my child responsible for what he or she has done. I might allow things that you would never dream to let your children do, you might think I'm a horrible person because I do not take my children to church, or dont speak of "god" in our home. But if your children are generally well behaved - I as much as the next person understand that kids have bad days. That the smallest thing can put them over the edge. I understand that you chose your battles. Good parents know what makes a difference and stick to that, Great parents understand what makes a difference but leave room for improvement, options and mistakes. I can honestly say I surround myself with great parents, my husband surrounds himself with great parents, that together our friends that we have compiled have these same "great parent" qualities. Yes I am a great parent, yes my husband is a great parent. We make mistakes- we yell when we shouldn't have, we've given chocolate for breakfast and our kids are well aquainted with candy. If I thought myself to be perfect I would be raising a child to be just like me, I dont want that. Not because I think they could do better, but because I want them to be them, I want them to be their OWN individual.

Are you trying to be your sister

As all of you know, I adore my sister. But more than once in the past year (try like 5 times) I have heard just how skinny my sister is. "your sister looks tiny", "I cant believe how much weight your sister has lost". All this is fine and dandy but as someone who has been OBSESSED with weight for most of my high school and adult life, the last thing I want to hear is how perfect my sister is. I spent most of my school years trying to be like my sister. She was thin, she was gorgeous, plenty of guys wanted to be with her. I wasn't that way. I spent years of my life ignoring food, or forcing it back out. I remember standing in the mirror and screaming at myself for how ugly I was, pulling out my hair and grabbing my fat. This is shocking to most as I was a "happy" teen, but I really wasn't. I have hated looking into the mirror naked since as long as I could remember. My best friends were perfect, and beautiful and I was the ugly duckling of the group. Confidence wasn't exactly there even though I led people to believe it. My friends and I would go to a club to dance, and they could pick up guys in a second..not me. I stayed in a horrible relationship (not just on me, but him too) for fear that I'd never have anyone else love me.

Now here I am, 10yrs later and all these feelings are coming to a head again. My sisster does look great, and I am SO proud of her. She was my rock when I felt like I had nothing. But here I am crying in front of the mirror everyday, wondering why in the world my husband is with me when he could have any girl in the world. Even if people dont mean it, when you tell me these great things about my sister, you're comparing me to her. Dont tell me, tell her! I've had three kids, I wear a size 7 jean. To most women this is great, to me I want smaller, I want the scale smaller, I want more of the mirror to show when I look into it. I have three kids and a husband that works crazy hours...dont tell me to go workout cuz it isn't possible. We dont have the means to pay a sitter for me to workout. When I start even basic sit ups, it takes four times as long as it should as the kids climb all over me the minute I hit the floor.

I am writing and posting this not for just me. For all the moms out there going through this. Stop telling them how good someone looks, all it accomplishes is bad feelings about themselves. Stop and think about when your kids were young, or if you dont have kids, think about where your time is spent compared to a mother. YOU might have time and money for a gym because you're not spending the money elsewhere-we have mouths that many more mouths to feed, that many more backs to cloth, that much less time in our days that if we have to make the choice we will chose our family over ourselves. I am fortunate enough my husband has given everything for me to be home with our children, and for that I am thankful ALMOST everyday! Do I want time for myself?? Absolutely. But is it logical. No...it just isn't. We cant even find time for a date night, which is much more important than working out. Just think before you speak. We want to be perfect, really we do....but it's a lot harder when you are telling us how perfect everyone else is!