To put it bluntly: Poop

Why poop? What in gods name can someone say about poop that would make it interesting enough to make it to a blog? And I say to you "This is me we're talking about". Okay so...here's the thing. Poop-there's nothing spectacular about it, interesting in any way, it isn't something I pride myself in having-but it's life. HOWEVER..now I am a parent, and once you are a parent you have a WHOLE new appreciation for feces. Lets start with when I first realized that I was happy to see poop! My daughter was only a couple months old, she had been miserable for ddddaaaayyyyysss! After a week of not pooping we were sitting in my mothers shop and she grunted...and I...felt my shirt get wet. Immediately you know why-but what was my reaction? No I did not gag, I didn't whine, I didn't laugh...I cheered her on!!! You may think that is crazy but after not seeing poop for a week I was over the moon excited. After about five min she was finally done, I took her in to change the diaper and I sh*t you not (no pun intended) It was from back to belly and at least an inch deep. Yet again I was not disgusted by this-instead I took my phone out and took a picture and sent it to friends and family to show them that she finally pooped! To this day this little girl still has pooping problems and to this day I still take pictures to send to show everyone just what came out of her. Trust me it is amazing!

As you can see you really don't appreciate poop until you have children. To add to that you really don't appreciate the peace and quiet of a poop until you have children. Most mothers know this feeling-once upon a time you could walk into the bathroom and use it (one or two) with no interruptions. NOW...so not the case. Either Kaelin comes walking in "What chya doin mommy" "going potty Kaeling" "one or two mommy" "just one Kaelin" "oh just peein' mommy" "yes Kaelin" "I sit and talk to you" and if by some strike of luck she actually doesn't come barging in...my husband does with baby in hand to ask the most assanine question that clearly could have waited til I came out. However don't try to compare your experiences to your husbands because they just don't get it! A man poops for 30+ min...pretty sure two of that is pushing, 28 of it is just enjoying the feel of the toilet seat on their as*es. Now do the kids bother him while he poops...noooppppee. I can't even be in there 3min without interruption and he's in there 30 and has nothing but peace. When I am home alone my son comes in with me, or even if hubby is home but he's busy...I just take Gage with me. However when hubby decides it's time to poop...he just hands baby off and shuts the door!! Must be nice! I guess I should try this at some point to see if it works. Who am I kidding...Todd will swing open the door "everything okay, I thought I better check since you handed the baby to me on the way in" great!!!
While we're on the subject-why is it men cannot get over anything that remotely sounds like Gas, smells like gas or god forbid is gas. I swear they will laugh all day at something that us women find repulsive. Why is it so funny to make us nearly puke because their butts cant seem to hold it in for two seconds. Ew...and when they think it's funny to "waft" it toward you...or even better when they waft it up to their own nose to see if it smells or not!! Now to add to their humor and maturity you decide to add kids---oh my!!! Some where from the day the emerge to their 2nd birthday husband teaches them how to fart on you and laugh-great just what I always wanted wanted my children to achieve!! Apparently these things never get old because my grandfather still finds it amusing to let one rip the minute he gets in the vehicle instead of doing it outside...then giggles. Ahhh the things us women deal with from the men we adore. I promised my husband if he ever tries to dutch oven me he will find himself with some very sore balls. Should we even go onto the subject of sharting???? Ehhh...I think I will leave that to all of your imaginations, or your own personal libraries!

Last but not least we can discuss the way that once you're a mother you become an official "Poop Inspector". When you notice the slightest difference in their eh-hem 'bowel movement' you decide to take it upon yourself to see if you can figure out what caused it. If it's soft, you move it all around to see if you can find I don't know, a seed, a corn kernel, or the color of the mucous that has found its way out so unpleasantly. Then the worst is when their poops are hard and they have such a hard time pushing it out, it is your job to see just how hard it is and squish it to see. This odd behavior doesn't stop once your child is out of diapers...OH NO!!! Instead you get your head so close to the toilet to see why your child has green or pure white (aka: lots of powdered donuts). Even better the amazement of how much feces comes out of a person so small!! I think I have made that point once before...but it is worth a second nod!!!

Now that I spoiled your dinner..