Imitation does NOT = flattery

Imitation isn't uncommon. However I think it is important for someone to act...idk like themselves and NOT someone they strive to be. However we all know that as parents monkey see monkey do...and do...and do...and do. Unfortunately it seems that they like to copy the behavior that you least want them to! But for purposes of this blog this isnt just about being imitated by just your children, but also by those people who strive to be better than you or out do you to make themselves look better. But in reality they just succeed in making themselves look....well...stupid!

First lets start with our children. It is so cute when they want to put on your make up, or even better when they pick up the broom or mop to help out...after all we all strive to have our children pick up the slack that we sometimes just dont have time to get to right??? However the first time they repeat a naughty word...or god forbid a manuerism that you are oh so guilty of-all of a sudden you first hand have to see the flaws in your parenting!!! The thing I am most famous for-just ask my mother- is rolling my eyes. Honestly I don't even realize I'm doing it...Hubby even yells at me for doing it. Seriously I think it is an involuntary movement that I aquired at birth! Well apparently so did my beautiful wonderful DRAMATIC daughter. Really...REALLY??? I suppose it has all just started. She dispises wearing clothes...this also is a trait she learned from me, and pretty sure my son will be following in the same footsteps. Now lucky for me I do not smoke (over a year smoke free...yipee) and husband does not chew so I will never have to witness my children copying this behavior. Yes I have seen it before...a little girl pretending to smoke her pen, a little boy wanting to spit in a cup like his daddy. This out of all the thing I find the most disturbing. If you couldn't quit for your child in the first place-seeing them copy your horrible habits should easily make you get your priorities straight!!!! What are you gaining by keeping up these habit...teaching your children to kill themselves...fantastic..wow you deserve "Parent of the Year" Award!!! I dont think a lot of parents understand the reality of the situation. Children want to be JUST like their parents. Therefor your eating habits, conversations, manuerisms, and even your bad habits are under 24hr microscope by that "mini me" of yours. If you just feed your kids fast food, spaghetti o's, PB & J, Mac and Cheese do you think you are teaching them good eating habits?? Sure your teaching them GREAT...they are right on the road to being clinically obese...HIGH FIVE!!! It is not unlikely to watch my daughter go take the cucumber out of the fridge and eat it liek an apple. She prefers cheese sticks and celery to fishes and chips. I have fought to keep good food in my home, and this starts young, introduce veggies before fruit. I don't make my children sandwiches for lunch when they are really young. Instead they get a slice of meat rolled up, a couple high fiber crackers (aka: triscuts, wheat thins) a cheese stick a a couple celery sticks or carrot sticks or whatever veggie is laying around. I also do not make them eat EVERYTHING on the plate...but anyway food is another topic for a blog. All I am tryin to say is...act as you wish your children to act...or else you will have a little you running around making your life well...not fun!!

Next onto adults. We all know this person...and unless you ARE this person...we all want people like this to go crawl in a hole and stay there, because we have absolutely no use for them. Yep it's the I thought of it first, I'm going to do it, I did it too, well I can do it better person. My grandmother is dating one, and I also have to put up with one that I have been soo good about keeping my mouth shut about cuz in all reality I'd like to punch her. You know what I mean??? Now if you are this kind of person for the love of God...STOP!!!!!! Quite honestly I'm telling the people I care about of what is happing in our lives right now, and you have managed to look like a COMPLETE MORON because you are constantly saying somehting to try and rival it or out do it. I dont know maybe your not even realizing you're doing it. But let me just say you wont be teaching your kids A THING in becoming and INDEPENDENT, self suffieceint, creative human being. Instead they will become, like you, copy catters (lol...took you back to middle school with that put down didn't I) I'm sorry but there is nothing that peturbs me more!! Are you really that boring of a person that you cant find your OWN way to do things??? I mean I get why you want so bad to be like me but really...tsss...you can't touch this!! LOL

To put it bluntly: Poop

Why poop? What in gods name can someone say about poop that would make it interesting enough to make it to a blog? And I say to you "This is me we're talking about". Okay so...here's the thing. Poop-there's nothing spectacular about it, interesting in any way, it isn't something I pride myself in having-but it's life. HOWEVER..now I am a parent, and once you are a parent you have a WHOLE new appreciation for feces. Lets start with when I first realized that I was happy to see poop! My daughter was only a couple months old, she had been miserable for ddddaaaayyyyysss! After a week of not pooping we were sitting in my mothers shop and she grunted...and I...felt my shirt get wet. Immediately you know why-but what was my reaction? No I did not gag, I didn't whine, I didn't laugh...I cheered her on!!! You may think that is crazy but after not seeing poop for a week I was over the moon excited. After about five min she was finally done, I took her in to change the diaper and I sh*t you not (no pun intended) It was from back to belly and at least an inch deep. Yet again I was not disgusted by this-instead I took my phone out and took a picture and sent it to friends and family to show them that she finally pooped! To this day this little girl still has pooping problems and to this day I still take pictures to send to show everyone just what came out of her. Trust me it is amazing!

As you can see you really don't appreciate poop until you have children. To add to that you really don't appreciate the peace and quiet of a poop until you have children. Most mothers know this feeling-once upon a time you could walk into the bathroom and use it (one or two) with no interruptions. NOW...so not the case. Either Kaelin comes walking in "What chya doin mommy" "going potty Kaeling" "one or two mommy" "just one Kaelin" "oh just peein' mommy" "yes Kaelin" "I sit and talk to you" and if by some strike of luck she actually doesn't come barging in...my husband does with baby in hand to ask the most assanine question that clearly could have waited til I came out. However don't try to compare your experiences to your husbands because they just don't get it! A man poops for 30+ min...pretty sure two of that is pushing, 28 of it is just enjoying the feel of the toilet seat on their as*es. Now do the kids bother him while he poops...noooppppee. I can't even be in there 3min without interruption and he's in there 30 and has nothing but peace. When I am home alone my son comes in with me, or even if hubby is home but he's busy...I just take Gage with me. However when hubby decides it's time to poop...he just hands baby off and shuts the door!! Must be nice! I guess I should try this at some point to see if it works. Who am I kidding...Todd will swing open the door "everything okay, I thought I better check since you handed the baby to me on the way in" great!!!
While we're on the subject-why is it men cannot get over anything that remotely sounds like Gas, smells like gas or god forbid is gas. I swear they will laugh all day at something that us women find repulsive. Why is it so funny to make us nearly puke because their butts cant seem to hold it in for two seconds. Ew...and when they think it's funny to "waft" it toward you...or even better when they waft it up to their own nose to see if it smells or not!! Now to add to their humor and maturity you decide to add kids---oh my!!! Some where from the day the emerge to their 2nd birthday husband teaches them how to fart on you and laugh-great just what I always wanted wanted my children to achieve!! Apparently these things never get old because my grandfather still finds it amusing to let one rip the minute he gets in the vehicle instead of doing it outside...then giggles. Ahhh the things us women deal with from the men we adore. I promised my husband if he ever tries to dutch oven me he will find himself with some very sore balls. Should we even go onto the subject of sharting???? Ehhh...I think I will leave that to all of your imaginations, or your own personal libraries!

Last but not least we can discuss the way that once you're a mother you become an official "Poop Inspector". When you notice the slightest difference in their eh-hem 'bowel movement' you decide to take it upon yourself to see if you can figure out what caused it. If it's soft, you move it all around to see if you can find I don't know, a seed, a corn kernel, or the color of the mucous that has found its way out so unpleasantly. Then the worst is when their poops are hard and they have such a hard time pushing it out, it is your job to see just how hard it is and squish it to see. This odd behavior doesn't stop once your child is out of diapers...OH NO!!! Instead you get your head so close to the toilet to see why your child has green or pure white (aka: lots of powdered donuts). Even better the amazement of how much feces comes out of a person so small!! I think I have made that point once before...but it is worth a second nod!!!

Now that I spoiled your dinner..

Cleaning

So Wed is my usual day off, and with the smell of spring in the air...it is now time for Spring Cleaning!! Believe it or not...this is the one time during the year I ENJOY cleaning! The windows open, the Fresh air coming in, the Heat turned off. This time of the year is the BEST.

Here I was, laundry first. Is this exciting..no, but I am more productive with it since the change in the season. I'm spent a good 5-10min separating the clothes (if this is something that you don't understand...I will write a blog on how to do laundry and why) As I am separating I realize one down side to this season...bugs. Now I am not a "girly girl" I mess with snakes, worms, dirt, grease, etc but I do put a halt when it comes to bugs. Ewwww the fact that most have more than four legs, and the legs that they have, have little grippers on them should warrant enough of a reason to hate them, but since you asked I will go on. They are small enough that half the time you don't realize they are there until it is too late. When you step on them you get hear that bone chilling crunch that just sends a shudder down my spine. I am one of those people that even if I THINK a bug is crawling on me I will jump up and down and strip all my clothing off...i may look like a fool..but I will be bug free! So why are their bugs in my laundry?? I have no clue, it's not like it was there long, but lets face it bugs like cold damp places and this is one of them. Do you even need to ponder on how I did my laundry?? Short of putting gloves on, my only option was to get it in the washing machine as fast as possible turn it on...PRAY that the water will drown them, and if not surely the dryer would heat them to oblivion. As soon as it's in the wash I do a whole body shake and fan my clothing just in case one decided to get on me or lay it's eggs on me or something like that!! When they come out of the dryer..they will be dead..and I can handle a dead bug! I'll just shake all the clothes outside before folding! No totally kidding, we own tissues and garbage bags all you need to dispose of dead bugs!

Next I did the dishes. Loading the dishwasher, spring got its next negative. Milk doesn't last like it used to in the girls sippy cups! There was only that little bit left in the bottom from the morning before and as I turned the top I saw it was curdled..now why is it that our mind seems to think that just because we SAW it was bad that wasn't enough as a act of reflex my nose had to take a wiff just as the top came off...yep, definitely spoiled! That wasn't it, spring strike three, I'm sweating by the end of HAND washing because the heat of the water plus the heat of outside just downright over heated me!!

Now I decide to take a break just so I can re-appreciate spring before tackling my next job. That...was short lived. The minute I sat down apparently my nose and my eyes decided,at that moment, it is spring indeed, sneeze, sneeze, itch, itch....ssssnnnniiiifff! ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? At that point I was really re-thinking how much I love spring time. I popped a Claritin and continued on my journey for a clean house. The dreaded bathroom!

Of course this is everyone's favorite place in the house to clean! Am I right. Something about the thought of how many butts have graced my toilet seat since the last time I washed it really puts a smile on my face. Now you add the dust bunnies that seem to accumulate the last week that the heat is on, Oh and lets not forget the whisker clippings from my husbands electric shaver...because that's definitely attractive! I pull out my "scrubbing bubbles" and become lost in thought that they shouldn't call it scrubbing bubbles if the bubbles don't scrub and I have to add my OWN effort. I seriously contemplated calling the company out on their false advertising...but decided better of it. After about a half hour I stepped back and took a look at my work! All and all...not bad for my time spent. I got down on my knees to pick something up and OH MY!! A little tip for when you're cleaning, unless you want more work to do, NEVER get on your child's level. It's lucky children don't think about cleanliness when they are walking around the house, because let me tell you looking from that level NOTHING seems clean!!! I would HATE to be a midget (or little person-whatever is politically correct for them; personally I've been called a bitch and that's not politica...oh wait never mind) ANYWAY...think about it they are essentially my daughters height but have the mentality of a adult. I'm sorry but none of us walk around on our knees at stores and such and see the UNDERSIDE of everything and know if it needs to be cleaned. They do..it almost makes me want to try just so I can tell the place how filthy they are! Then my train of thought goes a bit further and I wonder.."if you go to an all midget home does the top of everything ever get clean? Kind of like the top of a fan...if you cant see it- it's not dirty"

Needless to say I went back through and cleaned everything ON MY KNEES. I felt good afterward. Very happy with what I accomplished, I sat down on the couch to relax...and what did I see. For all the work that I had put forth, one couch fully covered in folded clothes, clean dishes on top of the counter that need to be put away, dishes in the dishwasher that need to be put away..dirty dishes from breakfast and lunch in the sink....(breath)....laundry that needed to swapped out, leftover lunch food on the table from the kids...toys from one end of the house to the next. SERIOUSLY? for all the work I did, it sure as heck didn't look like I got ANYTHING done.

The moral of this story A mother's work is NEVER done and being a Midget must really suck!

Disapline..what??? Respect....who?

How is it that anymore we are no longer allowed to discipline our children. I'm sorry but the corner for time out only half the time. A slap on the hand is a no no, a smack on the butt...GASP!! I'm sorry but when did our country decide that it is in our best interest to no longer beat our children...err...I mean spank?? Okay okay I get yes to beat them is wrong, most parents would never hit hard enough to hurt their children...more just shock them. But now we're not even allowed to do that. I'm sorry but sometimes yelling, screaming, time out just doesn't phase them.

Have I spanked my daughter...absolutely. Hard, not at all...but because it is so few and far between it literally shocks her. The only time I ever have is when she went outdoors without anyone with her and anyone telling her it was okay. Things that are likely to cause harm to her, something to happen to her...that is when I want to instill the fear of god in her. Do I hurt her...nope, I just scare her. I'm sorry but we no longer are allowed to discipline period. Then we wonder why kids these days are so out of hand. No one DARES to discipline because of the consequences that might come because some adult that never had children saw them grab their childs arm when they were acting up in the store. I've seen these reactions. I've seen the child start kicking and screaming, I've watched the mother try to calm him down, then the mother grab him by the arm and walk out...leaving her grocery cart right there. She had every reason to do so...I would've too if it was my child. However I also saw the other people looking at her with disbelief that she held her child like that. I'm sorry but if you have any good parenting in you, you would not ALLOW your child to act like that. HELLO...if you're not a parent and you think I'm being cruel...go get pregnant..wait til that child is about 2-5 and they have a meltdown in the middle of the store...and THEN come back and read my blog...you will have a whole new appreciation for it!

However I do want to point out something incredibly important...if you feel like you are about to snap...it will not KILL your child to cry. WALK AWAY!! Go outside, the next room, whatever. Put them in their crib and walk away. I can promise you that crying will not kill them...think of it as exercise. However you can kill them...all it takes is a couple minutes of shaking and you could lose your child forever. WALK AWAY!! It's stressful being a parent...anyone that is any kind of a good parent knows that. You're not alone when you need a breather. We all do.

Next lets point out how kids now a days have absolutely no respect for their elders...this is part of the reason. I'm sorry but when my daughter brings home her boyfriend, he WILL address my husband and Mr. Forsyth, he will be expected to eat dinner with the family and he will be expected to sit and have a conversation. Above that...he will have the respect to look my husband and I in the eye when he is speaking to us. Same goes for my sons girlfriends. If you join any family function you will be expected to participate and acknowledge the family or you will not be welcome in our home. Shy is one thing...rude is another. Please, Thank you, How are you, Nice to meet you. Are these things hard to say...i don't think so but apparently kids these days do. I will not stand for it in our home. If you cannot be respectful I will not respect you, therefore if you end up humiliated because I will not be held responsible for how the rest of my family will treat you. I am so turned off by these kids who feel that it is OKAY to not respect their elders. No matter how much of a brat I was to my parents, or how bad I might have been (which honestly wasn't that bad, I believe people just thought worse)...I ALWAYS respected adults, made a point of carrying on a conversation..especially to parents where their children were in my life. Now I look at these kids and it's like it is okay for them to just isolate themselves and only talk when spoken to...IF THAT. News flash people...our children are our future. Dont you think that our present is messed up enough, shouldn't we being doing everything we can to raise our children right so that they can have a better more stable life than what we are all living in right now? Or is it too much of a burden on your life to raise your children with a little respect???

Here...let me get that for you...

Sound familiar? I know it's been awhile since you've heard anyone say something like that. Chivalry!! It's dead, extinct, cu-put! But leave it to me to try to bring back the impossible. I promise you now that my son WILL learn chivalry. Opening doors for women, pulling out chairs, carrying groceries...all this stuff that was so romantic about men has gone out the window since us women felt the need to be equal! Now don't get me wrong our equality has brought forth some great changes, but I also think it has sacrificed some great things also! One being a chivalry.

I for one think that men should have never stopped the chivalry. There is something about it that really makes you feel like a woman. One of my ex's was great with this and it really made me feel good. Yes, at first I was a little taken back, but soon I really appreciated it. I think society has achieved the "equality" but I think that we've lost the respect for all that woman do and/or did. This is such a small gesture but really goes far in how it makes a woman feel. It is no not uncommon to see latch key kids. Kids that are left to fend for themselves from the minute they get home from school until their parents get home from work. It's also not rare that these children also are left to get themselves to school because their parents have to be to work. I think this is a lot of the reason our country is in a downward spiral. Stay at Home moms are few and far between, and when the family makes the sacrifices so one parent can stay home...it isn't appreciated like it used to be.

I hate to break it to you but those of you that feel that SAHM/SAHD is not a job title, I would like you to walk a mile in our shoes. I can PROMISE you that we end up more stressed by the end of the day than most working a "regular" 40hr job. The thing most fail to recognize is when we've had enough we cant just blow up, we cant just go take a break..we do not get vacation time, vacation is our same job just in a different area. Yes we chose this career path..and if you asked me if I'd do it again..I would. But don't tell me my job is easy. We wake up some where around 5-7..normal naps are 9:30 and again at 1. I have 2 or 3 extra kids a day and I'm constantly trying to find things to do to keep them occupied. Parents pick them up around 5:30...husband home at 5. From 5-8 I'm working in my shop. I DON'T GET BREAKS...so when you see me and my hair is a mess, I'm still in the clothes I wore yesterday and no make up...do not laugh, do not comment. If you do I cannot be held responsible for my actions there after. My family comes first. I only shower on the days I plan to get a little action or I can ACTUALLY for once get in without someone crying screaming or yelling. I cook I clean I raise children. If all I have to show in the end is a happy family regardless of how much money we have or how much of a mess my home is...I have succeeded. You...you will receive a paycheck-me I will recieve endless love. Which means more to you?

I'm sorry but by far the best jobs women have ever had and will ever have is being a mother. Now I understand mothers that work...I too work. But you cannot disagree with me that our family lives, our childrens lives and our love lives were definitely best when our country wasn't so caught up in the money you make but rather the lives you touch.

Holy Hygiene!!

Maybe it's just me, but I can spot dirt under finger nails and snotty noses from a mile away. These are yet another one of my pet peeves. This doesn't just involve children either!!

Did anyone watch American Idol?? Okay stupid question, but if you DVR'd it you may want to rewind to Tim Urban, and we'll thank him for today's snarky blog. His fingernails...yes were clean but they were RIDICULOUSLY long. Does he plan to pick his guitar with those? I can promise you he could. How did American Idol miss that...or maybe they purposely zoomed in to try and gross people out so that they wouldn't vote for him...conspiracy?? Go figure!!

Now to children. We all know they love to play and they keep their hands constantly going. However when there is dirt caked into their fingernails and they are still young enough that they ALWAYS have their hands in their mouths...or yours, am I wrong in saying you should try your best to keep those hands clean. When you spread the fingers and there is all kinds of gunk built up in between...I promise you that didn't happen overnight! Children play, hands like this aren't abnormal, however if you don't clean them...they just get worse and disgusting!! Would you be okay with seeing that on your own hands. Okay maybe some of you do, and if that's the case...please keep your hands to yourself! Then the LENGTH of fingernails (or toenails) is also a topic that needs to be addressed...I'll give you some inside information, if you keep the nails short...it's less dirt that can get caked under them!!! I know....why did they not explain that somewhere, well that's what I'm here for. I'll give you a swift kick in the butt to get you going, and a slap across the head to knock some sense in ya!!

Next move to toenails...apparently neglected for some. I have to PIN my daughter down so I can cut them she screams and screams but it needs to be done!! I'm sorry but when toenails are curling around the end of the toe it is WELL past needing to be cut, you practically need to take a sander to those puppies. They may fight it...but it's HYGIENE!! If you have a hard time dealing with a infant/child attitude what are you gonna do when they are a teenager?? They are still too young to take care of themselves...ERGO IT IS YOUR JOB!! If you can't handle it then why did you have children in the first place?


I almost missed this problem. Runny noses and crusty noses are two different topics. Children are practically KNOWN for the constant running nose and coughs. However a runny nose is one thing...and crusty nose is...gross! Kaelin has allergies therefore he nose never ends...so much so we've been known to carry a hankie. I understand around the house it is one thing, knowing that that poor baby will get a bath later on and get that taken care of...but for pete's sake if you are going out to public...wash the crust. I'm sorry but do you really want to give your child a complex at 6mos old. Come on all it takes is a damp cloth. If your child seems to constantly have this problem..take my advice...Vaseline!! smother it on, it really makes sure those nasty little snots have nothing to adhere to!!


In conclusion: Your hygienic duties do not end when you get out of the shower!! In fact as most mothers know-more often than not, our personal hygiene comes last!!!