Nicole

I hate that growing up means losing friends. Especially when that friendship was once so dear to you. Many of you know I have been struggling with this for awhile. Not because I have no friends-I have many-tried and true and I love dearly. I finally came to the realization that I cant just forget about this, about her. So what did I do? I wrote her a letter, and pray that I have the right address!!

No I'm not talking about email address, I'm talking handwritten, two page letter. I once read that if you read a letter or a note from someone that is typed, you read it with your voice in your head...as if you read someones actual handwriting you are reading it with their voice. It's more personal. So where am I going with this? What do I hold so dear that I just cant seem to let it all go? Part of it is exactly that--letters. Letters back and forth, her terrible handwriting and how she never failed to spell Really Right. With all this technology these wonderful things are now gone. Kids, and even our age, text one another. You cant judge a person on their brains when everything is auto correct. You dont know wether to take someone serious or happy or angry if they use ALL CAPS. I am really starting to hate all of this. How are my children going to grow up with any means at all when everything is just handed to them on a silver platter? OH you dont know how to spell, that's okay see the little ABC with the check-that will correct it all-you dont need to KNOW how to spell it...just get it 'close enough'. These kids aren't going to have the awesome 'note'books that we all shared...yes a whole notebook for just writing notes! WHY?? Because it's easy to hand a notebook back in the middle of class without suspicion. <<---I am so not using spell check on that to prove a point that yes indeed I am not sure if that is right or not and I'm not gonna lie and make you think I know how to spell everything!

Nicole was my best friend, through thick and thin. We wouldn't talk for weeks and then be best friends again. We did a lot of dumb stuff...A LOT. Where we are now-you would never have known it. It kills me that we are no longer friends but you cant force anyone to want to be your friend, and I have to realize it was probably nothing that I ever did that made it that way. We grew apart. I guess I see so many of my fb friends that still hold a close relationship with their friends from hs. Kaelin's father--he is still super close to his group from high school. The sisterhood--anyone that went to our school knows who they are--still close to this day. My high school best friend I haven't really talked to since my baby shower with Kaelin, and even then we didn't say much. She met Kaelin for the first time when she was 6mos, and hasn't seen her since-except a quick run in at Silver Lake that I was regrettably <--again with spelling) rude but still was holding an unneccessary grudge. Life isn't fair. I have my husband who is now my best friend, I have my sister who undoubtedly is always there. I have Lindsay and Shannon who have come to be Rocks in my life. Friends that come and go that I only see once in awhile but we never miss a beat...but there will always be Nicole..nobody compares, we probably have nothing in common anymore-but none the less a memory of my past, and a friendship that I will always hold close, we tested boundaries, we did stupid things...but our lives turned out to be pretty okay even wiht the dumb mistakes!

Being a mom

By far my best accomplishment is to hold the title of "mother". Even after I get a degree, that will ALWAYS come first. So to this I say those who are not parents like to throw stones at every time we take a moment to think about ourselves.

Point being, the earlier post of our bodies. Self pity is NECESSARY. Every once in awhile its nice to get words out onto paper that otherwise get pushed aside. All I have to feel pity on myself is my weight. Why? Because I fiercly believe everything else I have giong on in my life is essentially perfect. Is there room for improvement, yes...there always will be. However would I be content to live within this current situation the rest of my life, yes I would. I would rather have self pity on the way that I look, than to be content with being overweight.

You might not want to have kids someday, I respect that. Do I think your crazy-of course I do. When all else fails, kids can lift you up. When a loss of a family memeber brings you to unconsolable crying, a child coming to sit on your lap and hug you immediately puts things into perspective. At that do I feel the need to tell you all of this when you are faced with a issues. No. Simply because I know in places that I am insecure, you are not. I chose to be a young mother, at the same time it also chose me. I was fortunate enough to find the man I could accomplish this with. My husband does nto see what I see when I look into the mirror. My husband tells me I am beautiful every single day. I want to be perfect, I want to look like a model, but if I had the choice to workout 4hrs a day to accomplish that or to spend that 4 hours with my family. I will chose my family. When I have the choice to spend $ on workout equiptment or for something special for my family..I WILL choose my family. You dont have those options.

Next in line are those that when I say "We just dont have time to go out" and their response is "well that's the life of a mother". I am NOT saying I want to go out drinking til all hours of the night. I am NOT saying I want to party myself into stupidity. I am merely stating the fact that my most important thing is my marriage and we dont have the time to commit to "us" as we would like. Date nights are necessary and I believe that to be true. However I am just getting to the point of being okay leaving my children with someone else for hours. I hate not being the one to put them to bed. I miss our "us" time, but it is essential. They need to learn as much as I need to that we are not the only ones they can depend on. When I see people post that they want to get out of the house, I can sympathize. I get it, I totally do. If you took the time to get to know them you would understand too. We dont want to work out of the house right now, we like that our children aren't being raised elsewhere, by someone else. We like that we have control over what they are doing and who they are doing it with, before we know it those will be out of our control. Lets not be nieve. When you were a teen did your parents know exactly what you were doing at every minute of every day? GOD NO! So do you think you'll really have much control when your kids reach that age? Be realistic.

Finally, to those who dont control their kids now at this young age. Seriously?? what did you smoke to lose the brain cells for common parenting? We went to lunch with our friends the other day and it was fantastic! All FIVE kids were well behaved, listened and patient while they waited for their food. I've been in resturants that kids are running around mindlessly. Screaming at the top of their lungs, turned around bugging the person in the booth behind them and the parents do NOTHING. My Father in law was faced with a little girl with a mental condition who had come up to him hugging and kissing him on the lips. Obviously uncomfortable as he did not know this girl, he was trying to be nice but also trying to get her off of him. The mother just stood there!!! I get that mental handicapps bring on a whole other point of parenting, but this is too far. You are putting someone who would generally not be uncomfortable around that person, in a very uncomfortable situation. Or parents where there kids can do no wrong. Another child takes a toy out of your childs hands, you yell at the child, but when your child does it, you look the other way. I'm sorry but yet again, I am not the perfect parent...however I will make my child responsible for what he or she has done. I might allow things that you would never dream to let your children do, you might think I'm a horrible person because I do not take my children to church, or dont speak of "god" in our home. But if your children are generally well behaved - I as much as the next person understand that kids have bad days. That the smallest thing can put them over the edge. I understand that you chose your battles. Good parents know what makes a difference and stick to that, Great parents understand what makes a difference but leave room for improvement, options and mistakes. I can honestly say I surround myself with great parents, my husband surrounds himself with great parents, that together our friends that we have compiled have these same "great parent" qualities. Yes I am a great parent, yes my husband is a great parent. We make mistakes- we yell when we shouldn't have, we've given chocolate for breakfast and our kids are well aquainted with candy. If I thought myself to be perfect I would be raising a child to be just like me, I dont want that. Not because I think they could do better, but because I want them to be them, I want them to be their OWN individual.

Are you trying to be your sister

As all of you know, I adore my sister. But more than once in the past year (try like 5 times) I have heard just how skinny my sister is. "your sister looks tiny", "I cant believe how much weight your sister has lost". All this is fine and dandy but as someone who has been OBSESSED with weight for most of my high school and adult life, the last thing I want to hear is how perfect my sister is. I spent most of my school years trying to be like my sister. She was thin, she was gorgeous, plenty of guys wanted to be with her. I wasn't that way. I spent years of my life ignoring food, or forcing it back out. I remember standing in the mirror and screaming at myself for how ugly I was, pulling out my hair and grabbing my fat. This is shocking to most as I was a "happy" teen, but I really wasn't. I have hated looking into the mirror naked since as long as I could remember. My best friends were perfect, and beautiful and I was the ugly duckling of the group. Confidence wasn't exactly there even though I led people to believe it. My friends and I would go to a club to dance, and they could pick up guys in a second..not me. I stayed in a horrible relationship (not just on me, but him too) for fear that I'd never have anyone else love me.

Now here I am, 10yrs later and all these feelings are coming to a head again. My sisster does look great, and I am SO proud of her. She was my rock when I felt like I had nothing. But here I am crying in front of the mirror everyday, wondering why in the world my husband is with me when he could have any girl in the world. Even if people dont mean it, when you tell me these great things about my sister, you're comparing me to her. Dont tell me, tell her! I've had three kids, I wear a size 7 jean. To most women this is great, to me I want smaller, I want the scale smaller, I want more of the mirror to show when I look into it. I have three kids and a husband that works crazy hours...dont tell me to go workout cuz it isn't possible. We dont have the means to pay a sitter for me to workout. When I start even basic sit ups, it takes four times as long as it should as the kids climb all over me the minute I hit the floor.

I am writing and posting this not for just me. For all the moms out there going through this. Stop telling them how good someone looks, all it accomplishes is bad feelings about themselves. Stop and think about when your kids were young, or if you dont have kids, think about where your time is spent compared to a mother. YOU might have time and money for a gym because you're not spending the money elsewhere-we have mouths that many more mouths to feed, that many more backs to cloth, that much less time in our days that if we have to make the choice we will chose our family over ourselves. I am fortunate enough my husband has given everything for me to be home with our children, and for that I am thankful ALMOST everyday! Do I want time for myself?? Absolutely. But is it logical. No...it just isn't. We cant even find time for a date night, which is much more important than working out. Just think before you speak. We want to be perfect, really we do....but it's a lot harder when you are telling us how perfect everyone else is!