Letter to myself

Lookign back there are always those key moments in your life that at the time you didn't realize how much impact it would make even years later. Though some are negative it always amazes me (at least in my life) how even out of the negative, positive came. Anyway thinking of this I decided that maybe i need to sit and reflect...but reflecting only goes so far. I'm much better in letter form. So Ihave chosen to write to myself. How this will go and what order I know not-but I'm giving it a try and then leaving it out there for all of you to read. So here it is

Jesika-

First and foremost you have become the woman you have always dreamed to be, and you do not give yourself enough credit. You have three beautiful children and an amazing husband that would capture the moon for you if you only asked. You have achieved being a stay at home mom and your children are thriving. You always put them first without a second thought or even a smidge of missing the old days. You're 2.5 years smoke free, and you make a effort everyday to stay that way. You have so much to be proud of...why is it that you constantly feel like you're not good enough?

You have three children, your house should not be spotless. If your livingroom was spotless-then your children would have no toys and they would not be having fun. If your computer room was spotless you son would not have his 500million cars to drive around the house and keep you on your toes trying to avoid stepping on them. If Kaelins room was spotless than the kids would not have their get away where mommy and daddy rarely come and interfere with the mess they make in their quest of playtime. If the Kitchen was spotless your family would not enjoy home cooked meals on a weekly basis and great conversation at the table. Your mess is a house, a house that is LIVED IN. It is not FILTHY by any means...it's disorganized but clean. you wont find piles or dirt, or week old food in the livingroom (minus the sippy cups that have gotten lost and not recovered quite yet) When your children grow up what do you think they will be more fond about? The fact that the house was always clean? or that you made time to let them finger paint--even though--it causes even more mess to pick up. Do you thik they care that the dishes severely need to be done? Do you thik they care that they tripped and fell over something on their bedroom floor. NO they dont--why?? Because the dishes on the counter just filled their bellies. The toy on the floor is the one that each and every night gives them comfort to fall asleep-had they not tripped on it they wouldn't have realized it was there...which leads them to put it back on the bed where it belongs, therefore avoiding an all out search for it at bedtime. Everything you do is to see your children smile. The laundry is piled up...so what!!! Your children still have plenty to wear before they'll need it all washed. Seriously stop and look at what you have. Your husband does not care if you didn't get AROUND to somehitng...so stop apologizing to him.
You've had three children you're not supposed to look like a high school girl anymore, instead your body is one of a woman. A woman that beared three children, a woman who rather than spending hours at the gym is watching Backyardigans and reading "A Moose in Maine" aloud each week. When you children see you they are not thinking how the extra handles on your side protrude over your pants, or how your nipples now point more toward the ground than toward the wall. Instead they just like the way you feel when you hold them, they know that a kiss from mommy can make the worst ouchy feel better or that mommy standing in the kitchen teaching them the chicken dance is by far the funniest thing to happen today, although they cant say it-they love that you make them laugh. When your husband looks at you, he doesn't notice the dimples in your legs or how your belly jiggles with each step. He could care less if you woke up and ate three omlets instead of going running. All he cares is that you know how much he loves you, all he wants from you is a kiss goodnight and if you're not up to anymore than that, he never gives you a hard time-instead says "I understand, and I love you" He loves the ways your skin feels, He loves the sound of your laugh and the taste of your kiss HE thinks YOU alone a the fairest of them all.
You are a mom and a wife...anything more than those alone is a bonus. If you get the dishes done today BONUS! If you organize one cupboard or ten BONUS! If you actually feel up to giving more than a kiss.....BBOOONNNNUUUUSSS!!!!!! But if you dont get to all that-you are still amazing, and beautiful in your own way. You still have accomplished a lot in your lifetime of 25years. Everything you have...you should be proud of. You've come soo far in such a short amount of time...you've made your parents proud, you've given them a lot to show off and have become the person they raised you to be. You've made your grandparents proud, they know you have one hell of a man behind you, they know that despite how hardheaded you are, you know when to ask for help. And even though he is not here to tell you, you have certainly made your Grandpa Steve proud!!

Why would someone make that choice???

Recently it has been brought to my attention just how small minded some people still are in this day in age. I felt proud to be of this generation because I felt we had all come a very long way from discrimination and that once we got the "geezers" out of congress and such our generation would surely bring pride and prosper our country once again. But with a simple post on FB I was brought to reality. Following this is the post:

Please put this on your status if you know or love someone who is gay.
My wish for 2010 is that people will understand that being gay is not a
disease nor a choice - people who are gay are not looking for a cure but
ACCEPTANCE and EQUAL RIGHTS!! 93% won't copy and paste this. Will you
.........make it your status for at...... least one hour...? .... Promote LOVE
& Acceptance

Following this post I watched individuals feel the need to comment about how being Gay was a choice. Of course this enraged me, I was disgusted that people still to this day feel that way. Even better it's not like they were in their 40's+, they were of OUR generation. Yes and opinion is an opinion, but what I don't understand is why would someone even think this is a choice?? Further more I do understand that for some people it is, people reaching for attention, porn stars who switch between the two-etc. However to people who are born to love someone of the same sex comments like these are extremely hurtful. I didn't decide to be straight and for the life of me i cannot see how someone or why someone would choose to be discriminated againt. They cannot marry the ones they love, they are called a million and a half slurs, they get stared at when they're in public and unfortunately hate crimes are up not down. So many feel like such outcasts and have been so discriminated againt that the only way they feel to get away is suicide. I once heard someone call suicide "a permanent solution to a temporary problem" and I agree, and I hope that these problems are temporary because love is love regardless of where it comes from.

You see protesters outside court buildings fighting against the right for gay marriage. At one point those protesters were out there fighting against African American rights...and look where we stand today. Once they were out there standing and fighting for womens rights-and eventually succeeded. I can only pray that someday we will have a president come and give all the rights to gays. How would you feel if the person you loved is laying there dying and you cannot do a thing because you aren't technically family. You cant make any choices in their health; even though you know what would be in the best interest of your lover; because you are not married although you've been together longer than 50% of both gender marriages considering we know that in our country the divorce rate is at an all time high. You see people holding signs saying "Gays belong in Hell"..."Gay is an ultimate sin" what makes you yhink that living in this society isn't alreay hell for them? What do you think would go SO wrong if they were granted rights to marry? Seriously? Okay onto the next...I dont care if your divorce is anulled or whatever the church does to forgive it, it's still a divorce and in the eye of "God" or the "Bible" or hell even most marriage VOWS you are promising til death. Yet our divorce rate in this country is ridiculous because people would rather give up than fight. Gay couples-they're fighting an ongoing battle, and it isn't against each other. They're being picked apart by a society that thinks they know whats best but in turn has blood on their hands. When you hear of another child being bullied because of his/her sexual preference, or you hear on the news that another person has committed suicide because of relentless, uninformed banter over who they love, or want to love...I hope you know that soap and water will NOT remove that blood from your hands. I hope you realize that when you fall in love you're not looking at skin color anymore, hell how many cougars and sugar daddys aren't looking at age anymore as a barrier...so why are we looking at sex??? AGAIN LOVE IS LOVE REGARDLESS OF WHERE OR WHEN OR WHO!!!

They're full of milk-keep staring I will squirt

So here's the thing...breast feeding. Nursing. Whatever you want to call it, one should be proud saying those words. So why is it that when you go out in public and your baby cries people complain? To calm the baby you do the obvious...feed the child...and people complain. REALLY. If you are so offended by what the mother is doing than look the other way. When you're driving do you stop and gawk and a calf eating from it's mothers teet?

Most women cover themselves and make it a descreet feeding, some choose not to. Either way it's not like you haven't seen a boob before. If you are a woman staring in disgust...SHAME ON YOU!! Go stick your head in the sand and don't bother coming out because quite honestly you should not even be called a woman. God gave women boobs to FEED OUR YOUNG!!! Suprising right? I'm sure his real reason was to have them so your husband, boyfriend, partner can feel them up and so that places like Victorias Secret and Fredricks can make pretty little holders for them that make them more appealing than what they are truely used for. I'm as much of a woman as the next, I like to have pretty bras, I like when my husband notices how nice they look and darn it...I want them looking nice myself. But when it comes down to it I am most proud to use them for what they were intended! I am the sole food supply for my children for the first few months of their lives. I love when I can look at them putting on weight as they should and know that I have been the reason that they have thrived. How can your boobs be better than mine because they haven't seen the light of day or fed an infant? You have a problem that I'm doing it in public, you would rather me head to the filthy bathroom in shame to feed my child on the germ ridden toilet fecal matter every plce you touch? How about YOU take YOUR food to the toilet and eat it. Would you look at me in disgust if I let my child play in the garbage cuz that's basically what you are telling all these women to do when you are casting your opinions through your eyes.

I am certianly not saying that if you had children and chose not to breast feed that you were in any way wrong. Some people cannot nurse, some aren't comfortable in doing so, even cases that the baby physically can't nurse...in any instance formula has not killed a baby yet-both my children have had formula. I'm just saying if you did not nurse, haven't had kids yet, whatever the reasoning dont stare in disgust-or men in amazement-we are just doing what god intended them to be used for.

Before you cast those demeaning eyes toward another nursing mom think first of what exactly we are doing, there is nothing sexual about nursing...there is nothing but pure beauty in what that woman is doing. Instead of staring, look the other way and marvel at what a healthy baby it will grow up to be breast or bottle!

Family...

I always touch on our kids, or our friends, I even talk about our families. But I have never talked about just how important each and every person in your life is. People seem to forget that their family is their and should be their support system. Now yes at 15 or so everyone hates their mother, their father, their siblings-that is if their parents are doing a good job. The friends that I had that enjoyed their parents at that age I can look back to now and they have no relationship with them anymore. Why??? Because at 15 they were smoking pot with their parents, they were drinking without consequences. Where are they now? I can tell you of a couple I am sure of- in jail, strung out on drugs, not contact with their parents.

That's great, just where I wish I was!!! Where am I going with this? Well as much as I love Facebook I also tend to see people bad mouthing their family quite often. It could be talking about a spouse, or a parent, or a sibling. Expected at 13-17, but when you're the ages of 18+, no excuse. So what if your parents are to blame or your sister is talking behind your back....I can promise you aren't quite so innocent yourself. None of this is needed to blab about on FB!! You want a pity party...you want to feel special or wanted, you want people to notice you and try and make you feel better. When in reality 90% who have read your post think to themselves "Wow she's dumb". Seriously your familyl talking behind your back-YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE. and you know what I am sure that you have had some not so nice things to say about your family also!! You vented on FB about what a b**** she was and turned out looking like the bigger one in the scenario cuz at least she didn't post what she said about you! Let me tell you a secret that has been drilled in my head since I was a child-family is all you got hunny! When your parents are gone, who will understand most how you're feeling, not your friends-but your siblings! Who remembers how scared of the dark you are, or your favorite colors growing up. Who can pick on you relentlessly on how much of a mess you used to make or the stupid mistakes you made, or the retarded boyfriends that you held so high? Your sibling...your sister, your brother, your mother, your father. How do you think your parents feel being stuck in the middle of such a High School drama with their adult children. It'd make me sick-you should be ashamed of yourself!!! Everyone deals with family problems-everyone has something about them that drives others nuts, you vent to your husband, boyfriend, wife, girlfriend....not on FB. So my sister is driving me insane-would I tell her? Maybe, or maybe just chalk it up to needing to vent, or wait til it blows over.
My sisters downfall??? She worrys too much---has since we were children. Does this drive me nuts? At times-but she's my sister. My sister can be a B****..but she's my sister and if I ever had to chose between a friend who was sweet as pie or my sister on a bad day-I WILL ALWAYS choose my sister. None of my friends will understand me like she does. When our mother is driving us nuts...we have each other to go to, when one of us is driving our mother nuts, she can go to the other and vent about it and we can go to each other and explain that they need to give mom a break or just let it slide cuz it's been a stressful week. No one knows me like my mom and my sister. I was 100% a daddy's girl but he's my dad, he's oblivious to women feelings. His best line when we went through a break up was "I'm the only man that will love you your whole life" it never failed to make me smile-but my mom and my sister were the ones to hug and just let you cry cuz they knew and still know no words are going to make you feel better, only a good cry (or a million) will help you through it. We have mommy problems, or marital problems, or pregnancy problems....we don't push each other to talk, we know when they're ready they will talk. When you vent remember who you are venting to, and take into account the day that you've had up until that point. Things you hear on a bad day are liable to bug you more than if you were having a good day. I know there are things about me that drive my family nuts-I'm the black sheep-I'm good with that. But you will never know the power of your relationship until you let things go and embrace them for their faults, not hate them for it. Understand that all women need to vent, we're caddy-that's how God made us against his better judgement...we dont always mean what we say! Remember all you have is family, your parents, your siblings, your husband, your children...they are what matter, not what other people think of them, but how much they've done for you, and how much they'd still do for you if you just dropped the HS attitudes and accepted each other for who you are...

Get a grip...

I'm so sick of people that complain and complain about their life but do NOTHING to fix the problem. It's your life...you are in charge. At what point do you not understand that. There was no promise when you were born saying "you are born into a life of ease, expect no troubles, no rollercoasters, and absolutely no pain on your ride from birth to death"

Life is about living and learning. You cannot learn if you do not make mistakes, you cannot make mistakes if you dont try something out of your comfort level. What does it take to step outside of the box? CONFIDENCE...not in the people around you, but in yourself. You and you alone are in charge of your happiness. Just like you are in charge of your health, and your appearence. If you don't feel good..you're not happy, if you feel like a "frump" you're not happy-those are simple equations. Yes it does get a bit more complicated when you add more people into the mix. First off you had your parents and all through school you could've sworn they wanted you to be anything but happy...just to grow up and realize that you being happy in the end-was indeed their main agenda. Now you're grown up...mom and dad cant take care of you anymore (or atleast shouldn't) from this point on you are now responisble for your actions. Dont blame everyone else, you make your bed...now you sleep in it.

You fall in love-and more than likely, you do it more than once. ideally you learned after the first one (or couple) fail what you prefer, expect, and appreciate out of that significant other. Then you find him/her. You knwo immediately this is the person I am spending the rest of my life with. Do you think this is going to be an easy task. Yet again when you sign those marriage papers there is no disclaimer that says "Congrats you're married, this road to happiness is free of money problems, marital problems, concieving problems, in-law problems, parental problems, and finally parenting problem...just sit back relax and enjoy the ride" If your marriage certificate said this...than you are imagining it. If you by chance go through ANY of these...***SURPRISE*** you're not the ONLY one in the world dealing with it. At somepoint you need to realize your life isn't as bad as it COULD be!!! Are you alone? Do you have someone to go talk to when things are hard? Someone you can count on? Someone you trust? Is this the person that you married? If you said "no" to any of these...I'm sorry to tell you, you have made the wrong choice in your spouse. Yep I said it...I am that BOLD!!! But obviously with all the complaining that is going on no one else is telling you- therefore I will.

Now god forbid you didn't realize ANY of this before you conciously procreating, and now you have a little combination of the two of you running around. You love your child, but you're not happy. But lets do the "smart" thing and stay in an unhappy environment for my CHILD so that he can grow up to be just as unhappy as I am!! CUZ THATS YOUR SMARTEST IDEA YET!!! Along with the baby another disclaimer was shoved in the butt saying "This child will be free of any malfunctions. This baby will not cry all night, it will never be sick, it will sleep all night. In addition as it grows it will always listen to what it is told, never do drugs or alcohol and will be the answers to all of the problems you've had up until now. This baby is exactly what you hoped for in fixing you marital problem...good for you!!" Of course all of this disclaimer came true. I dont know I guess maybe in a way it did considering denial is the only constant in your life. Your baby is sick often, but instead of demanding answers you just keep putting them on more medicine and antibiotics to slowly kill an infection. But because of your denial 5-10 years from now your child will no longer respond to antibiotics. Maybe then your smart decisions will click!! For the life of me I am unsure as to why at least one parent isn't smart enough or doesn't care enough to demand answers so your child is no longer going through pain on a regular basis. But then again hygiene is a key role into keeping healthy-and I'm not sure that you took that class while in school.

with all the disclaimers you have a perfect life, and you have no need to complain as everything is great...you grew up healthy no problems, married the perfect perosn, and had a dream child, just like it promised right?

Finally if you keep staying in denial and just complaining I will tell you how your future will pan out. You will stay married, although unhappy. The two of you will not even act like a married couple. Seperate cars, seperate vacations, sometimes not even knowing where the other one is..but not worry about it. You are miserable and feel the need to tear other people down to make yourself feel better about your situation. Your sex life (if you have one) will only be once or twice a year unless you have found someone outside the marriage for that. Your child, although might have had many previous relationships, never settles down in the fear that every marriage is like yours and doesn't want to be unhappy forever, instead they would rather be alone...wow congrats you have indeed perfected "life"...you should probably write a book!!

It's so much more than blood...

It never ceases to amaze me how defensive some parents can be. I mean sure I'm defensive if you pick on my daughter, if you have nothing nice to say then dont say it at all..right? However I cant understand people who are defensive in someone loving their child to no end. At what point do you realize that it takes a town to raise a child, not just you. If you were lacking in your parenting...that is your fault. No one elses. If you and your husband/boyfriend split-he meets someone new who treats your child as their own, how is this a problem??? Would you rather they treat your child as an outcast??

You could've given birth, changed diapers, cleaned up puke, toys, etc. But the real question is...were you there when they needed you most. Maybe when they needed you physically, as newborn, toddler...etc. But what about emotionally? Because this is where parenting COUNTS!!! First heartbreak...what did YOU do??? My Parents earned every bit of the title "mother" and "father". When I needed them most, they never failed to be there....that is a true test of a mother or father. Not birth, not carrying them for 9mos. Get your facts straight. Does it matter that they are blood...not at all. That doesn't make a parent a parent and if you think otherwise, I would like you to stand outside a adoption agency and speak your mind. My husband is every bit of a father to my daughter than her own dad. Does this aggrivate Kaelin's blood father? No...why? Because he realizes that the more people who love her, mean the more people to care for her. Extra eyes and hands to raise her, extra kisses goodnight, and hugs in the morning. Added discipline when necessary and another shoulder to cry on when things do not work out in her favor. There is no room for jealousy in a marriage, so why should there be in parenting??

You hold a baby in your belly for 9mos, you donated a sperm or two to create offspring. How did you follow up that action??? Sure many of you reading this are close to my age, we're still raising toddlers, but I sincerely hope this makes you think! Going out drinking, going out partying and leaving your child with your parents, your girlfriend, your grandparents. What is that doing to them? Fine once in a great while-I wont lie some time away is nice...but I would choose that time differently-for instance one on one with my husband movie and dinner...not bar and dancing. I'm not against drinking at all...but I do think if you do this more than once a month your priorties are a little misplaced. Do you want your children to go out drinking and partying? You might say "yes" now, but i really truely hope that you think long and hard how you will react to that years down the road. I know I will be like my parents and not be able to sleep until I know my children are safe. Now think, what would you do if you caught your child doing drugs? What if you just suspected? Have you thought about your son or daughter having sex years from now, what about hitting puberty? How will YOU handle these things. Ignorance is bliss? Denial..."not my child". Bite it in the butt the minute you find out? How about being proactive? Will you talk to your child before all these things happen so they know what to expect. Talk to them so they know how important sex is, how important doing drugs isn't? We're all going to have battles, 90% of our kids are guarenteed to try drugs and have premarital sex (lets face it...we all did)...but how you handle that...THAT is being a "mother"...THAT is being a "father". Not your damn egg, not your damn sperm. YOUR character, YOUR choices will in the be the deciding factor. Where you were during the most important days will forever live in heart. Your parenting will be graded...not by me, not by peers, not by teachers, psychologists or doctors, but instead the most important person of all...your child. If my daughter chooses to call her fathers significant other "mom"...I wont go off the deep end, its a term of endearment, she would also be helping raise Kaelin, her hand is AS important as mine...I'd welcome the help...not shun it.

Life Lessons? or something more?

In less than a month I will be turning 25. To some of you this might not seem like a big deal, but to me it has certainly got me thinking. I'm very happy of where my life is now, but I can't help but notice some things that I thought would be there, that arent. One obvious in my grandfather, I guess no matter how many years it has been he is the first that brings tears to my eyes when I think about all that I wasn't able to share with him. Next would be my Uncle Tim, I am thankful that he was able to meet my children but still cannot understand why he was taken so early and so unexpectedly. Now those are givens. We all miss those who cannot be here anymore. But what about others? Friends that you thought nothing could ever come between you and them...just to find now that there is nothing at all in common, or maybe some more things that attributed to the fallout.

My family members and most people I went to school with can guess who I am talking about. Pretty much all through High School we were inseperable. Even when we went onto college with different majors we still stayed relatively close. We went out a lot together and most people probably could hear us coming from a mile away. She was the first to say to me "You're Pregnant" I laughed and told her she was soo wrong, 4 days later she was the first person I called when that + appeared. Her reaction? "it's okay, we'll get through this...this is a beautiful thing not sad" I'll never forget that conversation. She went to my first Ultrasound with me, this seemed to make our friendship stronger...or so I thought. Soon after I stopped hearing from her. She's met my daughter twice in the almost 4 years she's been here.

At first this whole thing really bothered me. I was hurt. Actually this was how a lot of my friendships went down after my blessing happened. I lost contact with most everyone. The only person I had left from my "previous" life was Laney...who to this day remains my truest and closest friend. However now looking back I find that many people that I once had a "connection" with, seem so obsolete in the whole picture. I always wanted children young, although I didnt make the choice as to what age (or if you want to get technical yes I was having sex so I should know its a probable outcome) However I am happy that parenthood chose me before I chose career. I know that this is a horrible thing to say but my feelings are just those. I will be able to enjoy my children so much more as adults than I would've if I waited another 10years to have them. However this does come at a cost. There are very few that are my age that carry the same weight of having a family on their shoulders. In fact many are just starting to get married, no pregnant with number 3...family almost finished. Thus having a common factor to talk about with old friends is few and far between. They prefer to talk about the wild time they had over the weekend, or the latest concert they attended. I on the other hand am talking about Potty training, constipation, hitting, biting, teething, preschool...the list goes on.

Then you have the other group, the people that are your age, that are in your same boat...but you HARDLY have time to discuss your daily lives with them because you have a toddler hanging on your leg and a infant screaming at the top of their lungs cuz they want SOMETHING and you have NO IDEA what that something is.

I'm sure you all are wondering what this has to do with life lessons. Have you ever sat and thought about it? Thought about your past into detail. What was the most important thing that you and a friend of the past had in common? Drinking? Smoking? Boys? Most likely you didn't share the same ideals about the future. She's a physical Therapist somewhere in Rochester, she was married not long after myself, but has no children. I ran into her while out to dinner and the sound of her voice made me cringe as she called my name. This is when I realized I'm glad she's not a "key" figure in my childrens upbringing. She made worse choices than I did in our High School Years. She has book smarts...but not street. She cares entirely too much about how she "appears" to the outer world and not so much about how her actions speak volumes to her credibility. I will not turn down explaining the story about what happened to our friendship if asked. Life lesson..absolutely, she was the first to teach me that the only people I can really depend on is my family. Something more- Ofcourse; because I can't help but think that this is the way god intended for it to be- a reminder of I may not have my career, but I have my family...I may not have many "close" friends, but that is because they also bear the names of "mother" "sister" and "husband" all of which are much more dear titles than Best Friend.